"Hope is not a wish, its the powerful promise of better things"

Well, today I am struggling a little bit. We went to see the medical oncologist yesterday. Luckily, I was warned ahead of time that he was "kind of a cornball" because I really just didn't feel like he was very compassionate. He has a very nonchalant attitude and that really bugs me because this is a huge crisis in our lives.

We had a lot of questions and I was very anxious as we arrived at the Cancer Center. Everyone there was very nice and helpful. There were some really sweet volunteers who tried to ease our worries with cookies and a teddy bear. We were registered and walked back to the waiting area quickly, but then we had a long wait before we got to see the doctor.

After asking a few questions and looking at Brian's chart, he laid out some options for us. The good news is, it looks like they got all or most of the fairly large tumor out. The post op MRI showed some blood on the brain (normal after surgery), so that made it hard to see if all of it was gone, but we will have follow up MRI's every three months going forward.

Our first option is to start chemotherapy and keep radiation in our back pocket. His chemo will be in pill form. He will take that for a year, five days out of each month. Its really expensive for five pills so we are grateful for insurance.

The second option is to do radiation now and keep chemo in our back pocket.

The third option is to do radiation, and then start chemo right after that as kind of a one-two punch.

Brian's tumor is a type of oligodendroglioma. Its a rare brain cancer with only about 1000 diagnoses per year. His tumor included astrocytes, another type of brain cell and from what I understand, only about  2-4% of brain tumors are oligoastrocytomas. The genetic make up of the tumor is very important as well. Some tumors have a genetic abnormality called a co-deletion in which sections of chromosome 1 and 19 are deleted. This is a good thing. People with the 1p19q co-deletion respond much better to chemotherapy. As a matter of fact, there is a new study that was just released early with some very positive results. You can read it here .  Brian has about 43% 1p19q deletion. While this isn't as good as 100%, the doctor assured us that his tumor will still be very chemo sensitive, thus encouraging us to go with option one first.

Why not go with option three and hit it hard? Chemo we can do again and again, but radiation we can only do once. Since his cancer is still stage III and he has the co-deletion we want to save our radiation for when the tumor comes back. It could come back stage III again, or it could be stage IV next time. Either way, we don't want to spend it just yet.

Brian was asking about prognosis yesterday. That is when the doctor pulled up the article. I thought he was saying that the new study showed that some tumors didn't recur for 15 years, but after reading it this morning, I realized that it said study participants survived an average of 15 years with the chemo and radiation treatment.  Patients that treated with radiation alone only survived an average of 7.5 years, and patients without the co-deletion only survived an average of 4.5 years. While I understand that this is groundreaking news, to me the thought of only having Brian with me for 15 more years is absolutely devastating. That isn't long enough. I am trying so hard to be positive. I knew that Brian's cancer was rare and aggressive, but I have heard so many miraculous stories. I have to have hope.

I am just so frustrated about all of this. Its hard not to be overcome at moments with anger. The doctor asked us if we had kids and I said no, we had been trying for a year and a half and I miscarried in October. He just shook his head and told us that we can't have kids while Brian is on chemo because the chemo kills sperm. He gave us all this information about sperm banking like we were just going to put some leftovers in the freezer. He said that was the most rational thing to do because if we had been trying for that long we were on the way to in vitro anyway. I thought that was pretty presumptuous of him.  Brian and I talked about it and I don't think that is actually for us. I just don't know how I feel about all that goes into that ethically, plus its really expensive even if we wanted to.

I hate to end on a negative note. I hate feeling sorry for our situation. It has just been such an overwhelming month. I feel like the whole time we have been married its just been one thing after another and this is the worst so far. Fertility issues seem like a walk in the park compared to this. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, but I don't have the slightest inkling of what that could be at this point. I know that we are here on Earth to gain experience and be tested, but this seems like almost too much for me to bear right now.

 All of that being said, this isn't a crisis of faith for me. Our faith is sustaining me, and I have already been able to endure so much because of it.  I am thankful for each and every decision I ever made leading me up to this point. I am grateful for our family and all of our many friends. More than anything else, I am thankful for my sweet husband and the love he shows me every single day. I am inspired by his strength and refusal to despair. I am so lucky to be the one to share life and everything that comes after with him. And I cling to the promise that we will be together always.