Continue in patience...

We were lucky enough to spend some time with Brian's sister Adrianne and her husband Chris and their two sweeties, Audrey and Geoff this week. We hadn't met Geoff yet and he is already eight months old. What a cute and joyful baby he was in spite of deciding to cut FOUR teeth this week! Audrey has SUCH a personality. She was still very small the last time we saw her in July of 2010. She spent much of the time at our house listening to Brian play "Once Upon a Dream" on the piano and singing princess songs to us. At one point she made Chris dance with her while Brian played and as they were dancing she asked, "Daddy, what does Master Yoda say?!" A girl after my own heart! She loves princesses AND science fiction! All week she was doing Star Wars lines. She has also decided that once she recognizes that you belong to a couple (ex: me and Brian) she wants the couple together at all times. One day I was working so the whole time I was away she was asking Brian when I was coming. And whenever Brian left the room, she was asking me what he was doing. So cute!

Chris and Brian and I also had some intense Star Wars and Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit matches, both of which Chris won. There will be a rematch. Their time here was far too short and I am missing them already.

I was really glad to have the company and time to cuddle the babies because this week has been particularly difficult for us.  After we got married, we thought we would wait a little while before trying to get pregnant, but very shortly after, we decided we actually wanted to go ahead and start trying so in September 2010 we did.  We tried for a whole year and in September of 2011, I finally got pregnant, but I miscarried six and a half weeks later. Even though it was an early miscarriage, it was devastating to us because we had tried for so long and were so ready for a baby.  We waited three months until we could try again and the first month we didn't get pregnant so I made an appointment to talk to my doctor. We were going to try clomid for a few cycles.  Incidentally, that appointment was on the Thursday that Brian ended up having surgery so of course it was cancelled.

Brian's chemo was delayed because of his doctor's office not arranging the very expensive drug with his insurance. After two and a half weeks he called and finally, we had the Temodar on our doorstep four days later.  During the delay, I took an old ovulation test I had lying around and was astounded to see the little smiley face! I was ovulating that day! I had totally lost track of my cycle in the last six weeks since Brian's seizure and surgery so I didn't even realize it. I was sure it was an answer to our prayers and that was reason for the delay in chemotherapy and that maybe I would be able to get pregnant after all. We tried one last time and then just prayed and prayed for two weeks, but this week I started my period.  I can't describe how sad I am. I am not a good enough writer, nor do I have the energy to express my total devastation over this. I am trying not to lose hope, but that was our last chance for a whole year.

As long as Brian is on chemo we have to be very careful NOT to get pregnant because the drug is teratogenic to sperm, meaning that even if I could conceive, there is a high risk of birth defects if I didn't have another miscarriage. As a matter of fact, I can't even be exposed to the chemo through body fluids so we have to be extra, extra careful.

I am still worried about my chances of conceiving even after chemo because we have already had so much trouble. Brian asked about adoption because we always thought that would be a good alternative in case we couldn't have our own baby. So to ease my mind I looked up a couple of different agencies on line. One through our church and then through Catholic Charities. That was a bad idea. We meet all of the requirements except, you need to have a reasonable life expectancy. What is a reasonable life expectancy?! We have the whole rest of our lives, but with something as uncertain as brain cancer, who knows if that would be considered long enough. It doesn't seem right that that could prevent us from adopting. I understand that they want the child to have healthy parents, but I wish it were enough that I am healthy and Brian is healthy right now. I know adoption talk is putting the cart before the horse and we still have time to conceive naturally after chemo, but I am so stressed about it.

I can't even believe how unfair life is. Already, I feel pressed for time. I feel like every moment I am away from Brian is a waste. Someday when I don't have him I feel like I will regret all of these moments I wasn't with him. I want us to have a normal life. I am so envious of friends who are house hunting or pregnant, or trying to become pregnant, or the ones who have beautiful, perfect new babies. We were working toward all of those things just a few short weeks ago and now I feel like I have been robbed of all of that. I feel like my world has been knocked, violently, from its axis.

All of this being said, I still have faith that God loves us and has a plan for us. I am just so frustrated right now that I don't have the slightest inkling of what that plan could possibly be, and how on Earth it could be the best for us. But I know the Lord doesn't want me to be frustrated and angry. I know I need to continue to be patient.

"patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

I found that quote in a talk from conference two years ago. If you struggle with being patient like I do, you can read the rest of the talk here. It helped me a lot today. I don't want to just endure this trial, I want to endure it well. And I think I can.

Love, Lindsey

Chemo, stress, and (dog) cookies

My name is Lindsey and I am stress eater. I have gained about five pounds in the almost two months since Brian was in the hospital. Its funny because my eating inversely correlates with my stress level. The more stressed I am, the less I eat. On my mild to moderate stress days, I eat my feelings. When I am extremely stressed, I lose my appetite.

All this had me thinking about my poor, sweet, neurotic Jack.  He is stressed too. I know he can sense the tension in the house from my nerves. I feel bad for him because he doesn't get to eat all the comfort food we do. So, to remedy that, I found a recipe for homemade dog cookies! I spent a couple hours today making yummy and cute cookies all for Jack, except for the ones he shared with his dog friends. The recipe was really easy, just a little all-purpose flour, whole wheat flour, vegetable oil, water, and PEANUT BUTTER!!! which made them smell so good that I actually ate one. They basically turned out like you would imagine an eggless, butterless, sugarless peanut butter cookie, but they were fabulous and much appreciated by my faithful companion (the canine one).

As for my other one, Brian started chemo on Monday and is finishing up month one tonight. We are so grateful for the minimal side effects! He takes an anti-nausea medicine first and then the three chemo pills. Those smell and taste nasty. Then we go to bed so he really hasn't been sick to his stomach at all. He does have a headache from it, and he has had a KILLER back ache for two days straight. If it persists over the weekend I am calling the doctor Monday, but I haven't seen that symptom listed in the literature anywhere so hopefully its just a pulled muscle.

More to come tomorrow! We are heading up to Chicago to see the CSO. My family got us tickets for Christmas and I am glad we can still go!

Here are some pictures of Jack with his cookies.

I don't know if you can read the angst on this face.

A very patient boy. 

Love, Lindsey