Friends

I have been thinking a lot about friends lately. And I think they are kind of like apples. Sometimes you get a really mushy one and you think the whole bag is ruined, but really all you have to do is toss it and realize how perfectly good the rest of them are.  I have been trying to decide what to do with a friend who hurts my feelings and I just can't seem to let it go. I have gotten a lot of good advice though, and I think the best thing to do is just distance myself from any contact with that person, even facebook, because that is a place where passive aggressive people can really be allowed to hurt your feelings and get away with it.

Enough about that. What I really wanted to write about was how grateful I am again for such good friends. Last week on my birthday, I got a call from an old bookstore friend, Matt Hajny. This man has the uncanny ability to remember birthdays and he called me especially to tell me he was thinking about me on mine. It wasn't a long phone call, but we had a chance to catch up a little bit and he was asking how Brian was doing. I filled him in quickly and told him I was thinking about this other woman we worked with, Angela. Her husband also had brain cancer and I just have been wondering how she coped with some of the stresses. I would really be interested in getting her perspective because I feel like our situation is very unique.  Well, lo and behold, Friday I got a text from Matt saying that he went to dinner with Angela and got her info to me and mine to her so we can talk. He is just so thoughtful that way. My friends are coming up with unique and special ways to support us and I am so appreciative.

The Peoria Bach Festival was this past week as well. Brian and I went to both parts of the Christmas Oratorio Friday and Saturday. Matt came with us last night. Interestingly enough, on Friday, an older gentleman sat next to me and I knew I recognized him. I figured it was from the doctor's office where I used to work, so I asked if he was ever a patient there. He said in fact he was and he was just their that very morning. He told me his name and said that he had knee surgery four months ago and was seeing Dr. Chiou due to some swelling. This didn't really make sense because I haven't worked there since 2010 when I got married. Well I thought and thought, and then remembered that I knew him from a poetry class I took at ICC. At the end, I told him that is where I actually knew him from. It was a coincindence that he had seen Dr. Chiou. He was a very insightful and well traveled poet, and he had a great voice. I loved listening to him recite his work. We had a nice chat and then saw him again last night.

But the highlight of my whole weekend was last night when we got home. I was checking facebook before bed, and I saw a picture Amy had posted. She lit a luminaria for Brian at Henry's Relay for Life. I was just so touched. My eyes welled up with tears as I showed Brian the picture.  People always say that with true friends, no matter how much time has passed, you can always pick up right where you left off. That is so true to me with a couple of my very dearest friends. I don't see Amy as often as I wish I did, even though I see her more now than I had in the years right after high school, but I just know we will always have that kind of friendship.  And those few friends always pull a little closer to me in times of need. I think you know who you are. There is a picture of almost all of us from my little wedding.

Amy, I am so grateful for you.

Love, Lindsey

Today is my Birthday

Well, I turned 28 today. It looks stranger reading it than it even did saying it all day. I don't feel much older than 20. I guess that is how it works. I was lucky enough to celebrate with my family in Henry on Saturday. It was my parents, sister, brother-in-law, Brian of course, and my dear sweet friend Joe, who might as well be family. My cake was huge. It was a chocolate-fudge-filled-chocolate-cake-with-chocolate-fudge-icing. I have never met a chocolate cake I couldn't handle, but this one was ALMOST too much! Also, I got a haircut from Amy and I just love her so much. She did a great job as always, and I was proud because I didn't even cry while I was filling her in on our last few months. When I got up to pay, she wouldn't let me. Then I started crying. I am just so grateful to have good friends. I am so inspired to be a better friend every day because I really don't even know where I would be without the loving kindness of my truest friends. This experience has really helped me to sort out who my true friends are and I am happy to report that I am so blessed to have so very many.

I have to admit, this is a really sad birthday for me.  I just don't feel like myself.  When I blew out my candles I made a silly wish for Brian to be cancer free. I know it is a childlike thing to do, but I know those wishes can come true. The years Brian and I were apart, I would always wish we could find our way back to each other and we eventually did.

As sad as I feel some days, I am very much overcome with gratitude for the blessings of friendship which surround me.

Usually, I am really overcome on my birthday with how many people send kind regards for the day. Just to know so many people are thinking about me always comes as sort of a surprise.  But this year, I wasn't surprised at all. Ever since Brian has been sick I have been so overcome by the out pouring of love and support that has been shown to us. I simply don't have the words to express how very grateful I am for all of the ways we have been shown love today and always. The prayers, calls, texts, cards, gifts, hugs, listening ears, and shoulders to cry on have all sustained me.

I spent most of tonight working on my anniversary present to Brian, which is a secret since he reads this, but I can't wait to show him. We did get to go out to Johnny's for dinner with a gift card from my family. Thanks mom, you are off the hook this time!

I am tired and have a big day tomorrow, but please know that I wouldn't be where I am today, right now, without my dear friends.

Love, Lindsey

This week in baking!

I have found that not only am I a stress eater, I am a stress baker. I like the straightforwardness of it. You follow the recipe, and the outcome is more or less what you expect. At least that is how it usually goes.  Today I guess my stress level impaired my ability to read a recipe all the way through. I found a really good looking recipe for cinnamon pull apart bread , but somehow I missed the part about the dough needing to be refrigerated for a few hours up to 24 hours. I didn't have time for that. Brian was going to help Grandpa Branch hang up a swing and I really wanted them to be done for him to have breakfast and take some over to share.

Not wanting to get discouraged too early, I decided to try to make it with another cinnamon roll dough recipe that I use all the time. The dough came out alright, but then I messed up the recipe again and I cut the dough it all wrong. I really just wasn't reading well this morning. I tried putting it in the loaf pan and it just wasn't working. There wasn't enough dough and the strips weren't fitting right. With tears in my eyes, I started doing some positive affirmations that went something like this:

 "Wait a minute! You are a baker wife! You have all this perfect cinnamon roll dough (even though it is all cut up), and you can fix this!"

So I pulled out a muffin tin and rolled up those little mistake pieces of buttery, cinnamon and sugar goodness and let them rise and bake. I could just as easily pitch them after I saw how they turned out. Luckily for me, and one of the only good things that happened today, they turned out okay. Brian ate two and Matt came upstairs and grabbed three before disappearing back to bed. Here is what the finished product looked like.

I actually kind of made up this recipe! It could use a little perfecting, but a facebook friend gave them a name that I love! "Cinnamon Runt Cakes!" SO PERFECTLY CUTE!

Last week, on Friday night, I made cinnamon swirl bread and then I used it to make french toast for the boys on Saturday morning. It killed us all! It was so heavy, but good. They each ate three whole pieces, my two thin ones sent me back to bed for a mid-morning nap!

Then this week we were having pasta one night so I made these cheesy garlic bread swirls .  I need to branch out and do more than bread, but coming back to the stress relief thing, I really do like to just get in there and knead it. So therapeutic. And the boys are really benefitting from all this stress baking!

They were so perfectly soft inside!

That was our week in baking. In other news, I had to finally break down and call a patient advocate for all the trouble we are having with Brian's neurology office. Thanks to a sweet friend from high school, I was able to get in touch with the right people and they were very kind and sympathetic, not to mention disgusted with the issues we are having, but that is a different post and I have not cooled down sufficiently to tackle that one. Also, remember the awesome scholarship I received?  Well, ICC decided that I have too many credit hours from an associate's degree I earned eight years ago (and paid for with no financial aid whatsoever), and so my scholarship is terminated pending a painstaking appeal process that I have to get started first thing Tuesday morning. Way to stress me out on a holiday weekend. But that is also for another post. I'm saving it up for the next "bump" in the road of which I honestly feel like we have had our fair share of in just shy of two years of marriage.

Have a good and safe holiday weekend friends!

Love, Lindsey

Some good news...finally!

Do you ever wonder if you are on the right path in life? Or how to tell if you are? I do. I usually find myself bouncing back and forth between two different thought processes when facing a trial. I either feel like "nothing worth anything is easy, so because  this situation is hard, I must be on the right track." Or, I feel like "this is SO hard, maybe I should take that as I sign that I am not on the right track and reevaluate my plan."  Often times the only way I can make a decision is to pray and wait for an impression on what I should do.  Amazingly, last week, that signal came loud and clear that nursing school is definititely what I should be pursuing. We found out that I am the recipient of a $3000 scholarship for school! This is such a huge blessing. Not that I ever doubted that it was a good idea, but things have been so stressful this semester. I found out that I got a C in my anatomy class and that was a huge disappointment. And while people have been very encouraging, I also know what a strenuous and huge committment any nursing program is and I have been praying for the strength to thrive in my studies.

Brian hasn't been able to get back to work yet since he had the second seizure, and it looks like he will be off for at least three more months pending his next MRI result. We were going to make it work with school, but its expensive. Interest rates on student loans just doubled so I really hated the prospect of taking out any more loans. Now, I don't even need to. Since I have finished all of my prerequisites, I only have nursing classes left and so my course load is a little lighter, at least this first year, and the scholarship should cover nearly all of my expenses.

I am so grateful for this blessing. It helps to confirm that nursing school is the right thing for me to be pursuing, and also strenthens my testimony that when you do your very best to keep the commandments, God is better able to bless you.

The BEST news of all came at Brian's follow up appointment. He had his three month MRI last week and we got the results today that the tumor is completely gone as far as we can tell with no regrowth, and everything looks stable. Of course the MRI can't show us what is going on at the cellular level, but it would show if there was even a clump of cells and there isn't. As a matter of fact, there is actually a little hole in Brian's brain where the tumor was. Evidently some brain tumors are completely separate from brain tissue so when they are removed, whatever part of the brain they were pressing on can just sort of 'bounce' back. Brian's cancer cells, however, actually invade healthy brain cells, changing brain into tumor which is a little scary. Anyway, for now it is gone!! That is something to celebrate. As irrational as it was, I did have the fear that the second seizure was caused by another tumor somewhere, or that maybe it had come back already, but for now those fears are assuaged.

The boys are downstairs playing a round of Axis and Allies. I have to get a picture of that serious game board for you. I have strict instructions not to touch any of the five thousand little plastic pieces. This is very serious business in our house.

Matt with his game face on. Axis and Allies is happening.

 This snake was on our step today! It was about four or five feet long.

This is Matt snake wrangling.

I am thankful to finally be able to post some good news. And some exciting times at the Johnson household. It has been great to have Matt home with us. I never do the dishes alone when he is here. Tonight we had a long geneology discussion over the dishes and it made my least favorite chore go a lot faster. And Brian's spirits are up with the help and companionship of his brother. I finally feel like things are starting to settle down and I am so looking forward to a nice relaxing summer!

Love, Lindsey

Some Thoughts on Mother's Day

     Once again, I find myself neglecting this ever so therapeutic blog. I just finished classes for the semester so I have some time to breathe and I plan on posting a little more frequently. I really wanted to mention that through this blog, I am finding not only the healing that comes with being honest with yourself and letting some of those rough and tumble thoughts and fears come out, but I have also found so many very powerful and thought provoking fellow bloggers out in the blogosphere. I have been fortunate enough to connect with some very inspiring and powerful women and I am very grateful for that. And they are so fun to read! Which brings me to my topic today. Motherhood.

     First I want to talk about what a great mother I am blessed to have. I know for me that I just didn't ever appreciate my mom like I do now that  I am an adult.   Our relationship has been through its ups and downs, through the tumultuous teenage angst, and the evolution from little girl Lindsey to adult Lindsey who makes her own decisions and some that Mom wouldn't have had me make. While we always loved each other, I am sure there were times when we didn't like or understand each other very much. But all that has changed. I see my mom now as not only my mother, but as a anchor of stability in our family, and as my dear friend. She is loving and kind and she sacrifices for me and my sister continuously. I wrote in her card this year, and I mean it with all my heart that we finally have the relationship I always dreamed we could have.  I know there have been countless hours in the past few months where the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom. I wanted her advice and I needed her to listen. One of the most powerful realizations that I have had recently is that I most definitely NEED my mom. Now more than ever. And that is almost paradoxical to me because I am a well adjusted adult and I have started my own little family with Brian now. I knew of course that I would always love my mom, but I didn't anticipate really needing her this much. She always knows what to say to make me feel better and when she doesn't know what to say, she brings me a milk shake or treats me to frozen yogurt, even though I know she doesn't really like the yogurt, just the toppings. There is that sacrifice again ;)  I can feel how much she loves me. I see the pain in her face when I come to her with a problem that she can't fix and I hope she can know that just listening to me and loving me unconditionally is enough. A mother's love is very special. No one in your life will love you like your mother and I am so very grateful for my mom.

     My mom loves me in a unique and special way that only she will ever love me. I know that because even though I miscarried our first baby last year, I felt that overwhelming and profound love from the moment I realized I was pregnant. I loved that little baby so much from the first. I have always approached Mother's Day from the perspecive of Daughter, and since we got married in 2010, I have been very much looking forward to experiencing it from a Mother's perspective.

     Women are revered in my church, and especially on Mother's Day. Usually they do something special for moms on Mother's Day like give them a flower. Last year, while they were passing out the flowers, they had given them to all of the mom's and then they asked all of the other women to stand up. It was just me and one of my friends who were left. She was still single at the time so I was the only married woman that wasn't a mom. We had only been trying for about eight months at that time, but I was really getting frustrated. I remember feeling so embarrassed to take a flower. I just felt so underserving because I wasn't a mom. I got out of the chapel as soon as possible and went to the bathroom and cried. I hated feeling so ungrateful, the flower wasn't meant to single me out as a non-mother, but to thank me for my service to the children in our church. I was serving as a Sunday school teacher for the eight and nine year olds at the time.

     Last month, I read this article in a church magazine and it really spoke to my heart. Its talked about  how we can seek "alternative opportunities for motherhood." Teaching children is one way, or volunteering to babysit, or supporting young people by attending sports events (sometimes Brian and I try to catch his cousin's ball games). Anyway, it helped me to realize that just because I haven't yet had the opportunity to raise children of my own, I am not childless. Heavenly Father has surrounded me with children and given me the opportunity to make a positive impact on their lives and I strive to do so.

     This year Mother's Day was especially hard. When I got up to shower for church I was already planning my escape before the flower distribution, I just didn't want to be singled out again. I just kept thinking about how special the day would have been had I been about seven months pregnant like I should have been. When I got out of the shower, Brian had gotten up and there was a pink envelope on my bedside table. My eyes filled with tears as I carefully opened it up and read these words:

"I hope you won't be offended or upset by this card, but I chose it specifically because I do feel like we have been on a 'journey' of sorts. I know its hard to see where it will take us, but you are the one I always wanted to take it with. I love you tremendously Lindsey. ~ Brian

     I did end up getting out of the chapel and setting up for my class early, but I really wasn't as sad as I thought I would be. I just felt so grateful and happy to be so deeply loved by my sweet Brian. We are so good for each other. I feel like even with the trials we are facing we are so lucky to be able to find joy in our life and in our companionship. Some days brain cancer feels like a serious threat to that companionship, but in spite of it all, I know we can face it as long as we are side by side.  

Love, Lindsey

Continue in patience...

We were lucky enough to spend some time with Brian's sister Adrianne and her husband Chris and their two sweeties, Audrey and Geoff this week. We hadn't met Geoff yet and he is already eight months old. What a cute and joyful baby he was in spite of deciding to cut FOUR teeth this week! Audrey has SUCH a personality. She was still very small the last time we saw her in July of 2010. She spent much of the time at our house listening to Brian play "Once Upon a Dream" on the piano and singing princess songs to us. At one point she made Chris dance with her while Brian played and as they were dancing she asked, "Daddy, what does Master Yoda say?!" A girl after my own heart! She loves princesses AND science fiction! All week she was doing Star Wars lines. She has also decided that once she recognizes that you belong to a couple (ex: me and Brian) she wants the couple together at all times. One day I was working so the whole time I was away she was asking Brian when I was coming. And whenever Brian left the room, she was asking me what he was doing. So cute!

Chris and Brian and I also had some intense Star Wars and Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit matches, both of which Chris won. There will be a rematch. Their time here was far too short and I am missing them already.

I was really glad to have the company and time to cuddle the babies because this week has been particularly difficult for us.  After we got married, we thought we would wait a little while before trying to get pregnant, but very shortly after, we decided we actually wanted to go ahead and start trying so in September 2010 we did.  We tried for a whole year and in September of 2011, I finally got pregnant, but I miscarried six and a half weeks later. Even though it was an early miscarriage, it was devastating to us because we had tried for so long and were so ready for a baby.  We waited three months until we could try again and the first month we didn't get pregnant so I made an appointment to talk to my doctor. We were going to try clomid for a few cycles.  Incidentally, that appointment was on the Thursday that Brian ended up having surgery so of course it was cancelled.

Brian's chemo was delayed because of his doctor's office not arranging the very expensive drug with his insurance. After two and a half weeks he called and finally, we had the Temodar on our doorstep four days later.  During the delay, I took an old ovulation test I had lying around and was astounded to see the little smiley face! I was ovulating that day! I had totally lost track of my cycle in the last six weeks since Brian's seizure and surgery so I didn't even realize it. I was sure it was an answer to our prayers and that was reason for the delay in chemotherapy and that maybe I would be able to get pregnant after all. We tried one last time and then just prayed and prayed for two weeks, but this week I started my period.  I can't describe how sad I am. I am not a good enough writer, nor do I have the energy to express my total devastation over this. I am trying not to lose hope, but that was our last chance for a whole year.

As long as Brian is on chemo we have to be very careful NOT to get pregnant because the drug is teratogenic to sperm, meaning that even if I could conceive, there is a high risk of birth defects if I didn't have another miscarriage. As a matter of fact, I can't even be exposed to the chemo through body fluids so we have to be extra, extra careful.

I am still worried about my chances of conceiving even after chemo because we have already had so much trouble. Brian asked about adoption because we always thought that would be a good alternative in case we couldn't have our own baby. So to ease my mind I looked up a couple of different agencies on line. One through our church and then through Catholic Charities. That was a bad idea. We meet all of the requirements except, you need to have a reasonable life expectancy. What is a reasonable life expectancy?! We have the whole rest of our lives, but with something as uncertain as brain cancer, who knows if that would be considered long enough. It doesn't seem right that that could prevent us from adopting. I understand that they want the child to have healthy parents, but I wish it were enough that I am healthy and Brian is healthy right now. I know adoption talk is putting the cart before the horse and we still have time to conceive naturally after chemo, but I am so stressed about it.

I can't even believe how unfair life is. Already, I feel pressed for time. I feel like every moment I am away from Brian is a waste. Someday when I don't have him I feel like I will regret all of these moments I wasn't with him. I want us to have a normal life. I am so envious of friends who are house hunting or pregnant, or trying to become pregnant, or the ones who have beautiful, perfect new babies. We were working toward all of those things just a few short weeks ago and now I feel like I have been robbed of all of that. I feel like my world has been knocked, violently, from its axis.

All of this being said, I still have faith that God loves us and has a plan for us. I am just so frustrated right now that I don't have the slightest inkling of what that plan could possibly be, and how on Earth it could be the best for us. But I know the Lord doesn't want me to be frustrated and angry. I know I need to continue to be patient.

"patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

I found that quote in a talk from conference two years ago. If you struggle with being patient like I do, you can read the rest of the talk here. It helped me a lot today. I don't want to just endure this trial, I want to endure it well. And I think I can.

Love, Lindsey

Chemo, stress, and (dog) cookies

My name is Lindsey and I am stress eater. I have gained about five pounds in the almost two months since Brian was in the hospital. Its funny because my eating inversely correlates with my stress level. The more stressed I am, the less I eat. On my mild to moderate stress days, I eat my feelings. When I am extremely stressed, I lose my appetite.

All this had me thinking about my poor, sweet, neurotic Jack.  He is stressed too. I know he can sense the tension in the house from my nerves. I feel bad for him because he doesn't get to eat all the comfort food we do. So, to remedy that, I found a recipe for homemade dog cookies! I spent a couple hours today making yummy and cute cookies all for Jack, except for the ones he shared with his dog friends. The recipe was really easy, just a little all-purpose flour, whole wheat flour, vegetable oil, water, and PEANUT BUTTER!!! which made them smell so good that I actually ate one. They basically turned out like you would imagine an eggless, butterless, sugarless peanut butter cookie, but they were fabulous and much appreciated by my faithful companion (the canine one).

As for my other one, Brian started chemo on Monday and is finishing up month one tonight. We are so grateful for the minimal side effects! He takes an anti-nausea medicine first and then the three chemo pills. Those smell and taste nasty. Then we go to bed so he really hasn't been sick to his stomach at all. He does have a headache from it, and he has had a KILLER back ache for two days straight. If it persists over the weekend I am calling the doctor Monday, but I haven't seen that symptom listed in the literature anywhere so hopefully its just a pulled muscle.

More to come tomorrow! We are heading up to Chicago to see the CSO. My family got us tickets for Christmas and I am glad we can still go!

Here are some pictures of Jack with his cookies.

I don't know if you can read the angst on this face.

A very patient boy. 

Love, Lindsey