A great night!

Tonight was a really great night. I was invited to speak at the ICC Educational Foundation's Community Celebration! All of the scholarship recipients and benefactor's were invited to attend. I was so blessed to be surrounded by my parents, and Brian, and I got to sit with my scholarship benefactor!

What a wonderful experience. Mr. Gilmore was a quick witted and pleasant dinner companion. We got to know each other during dinner and I found out a lot of interesting things about this 92 year old gentleman.  A lifetime Peoria resident, he served in WWII as a navigator flying all over Germany, and he was president of Caterpillar for seven years after starting there as an apprentice six months out of high school. He said that he and his wife wanted to donate a scholarship because he never had the chance to go to college. He said if ICC had been around when he graduated from high school, he would have jumped at the chance to attend.

My contact person at ICC was Stephanie and she was just awesome. The event went off without a hitch in great part to her hard work! I was really nervous to give my speech, but I got up there and tried my very best. I may not be the best speaker, but I was able to successfully convey my message of hope amidst our trials, and faith in spite of adversity. So many people came up to me afterward to thank me for my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father, and to offer their sincere prayers to Brian and I.

I am tired after all of the adrenaline rushing through my system, but I am just so full of gratitude and love that I had to take a moment to talk about it. Attitude is so very important in how we deal with trials. Mine hasn't been the greatest as of late, but its nights like these that make me grateful for the people around me, who consistently lift me up and encourage me to do things I never thought I could do. Things like giving a speech in front of a room of 900 people!

I am so grateful for the generosity of my scholarship donor, so grateful for the love and support of my family, and so very, very grateful for my husband who inspires me to keep striving to be the very best version of myself.

I am at peace tonight.

Love,
Lindsey

P.S. Two more days of radiation!! We can make it!!!

Tender Mercies of the Lord



Today was a really nerve wracking day. Brian had his 6 month MRI today. We won't get the results of that until next Tuesday. We are actually gearing up for a really stressful week next week. We see the oncologist Monday, where hopefully we will get results from Brian's chromosome analysis that the doctor wanted to reevaluate. Pray for good news there. Then Tuesday we get our MRI results and say good bye to the neurology office for the last time. Then Wednesday Brian sees the CAT doctor and if all goes well, he will be back to work Wednesday night. As I have mentioned before, this is scary for me, but I know it will be so good for Brian to get back into a routine. He has been talking increasingly about work and I know he will feel better to get back in the swing of things again.

I have actually been having some health concerns of my own. Ever since we have been trying to get pregnant two years ago (this month! wow!) I have been having some "female" issues. For a long time I felt like I was sort of getting blown off and having to just kick the ball down the road to address them later. Then I met my current doctor.

If you need an ob/gyn, I can't recommend her or her staff enough. For the first time, she was willing to address my concerns. I was all set up to see her in February, but my appointment fell on Brian's surgery day so of course I had to cancel it. I had another one set up for this month so I just decided to sit tight and let Brian's issues settle down before I readdressed my own.

I went in 10 days ago and was met with such overwhelming kindness and compassion from the doctor and the sweetest most compassionate nurse I have ever met! (I hope you see this B!)  I filled the nurse in on what we have been going through and of course tears welled up in my eyes in spite of my best efforts to stay calm. She put her pen and computer down and just gave me the biggest hug, and that was the best thing anyone could have done for me. She said she didn't know what to say, but the hug said it all. She filled the doctor in and when I saw her she listened intently to my concerns and told me we could do a whole battery of tests to rule out all of my worries. So I got tons of blood drawn, had another test, and scheduled an ultrasound.

Last Friday I got my results back and everything was normal as far as the blood tests went. Except, SURPRISE! High cholesterol. Not terribly high, not even enough to do anything about it except watch my diet a little more closely, but honestly, this wasn't a surprise because of all my stress eating lately. I am not wanting health food, I want CARBS, bacon, and chocolate in all of their incarnations. As I type this I am munching on a banana bread recipe from Cooking Light. Its good, but nothing compared to Grandma Branch's cheesecake brownies that I polished off for breakfast. SEE!!! I HAVE A PROBLEM! But like my sweet Emily says, Meth is a problem, chocolate and carbs are not. Love that girl.

But back on track.

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to have my ultrasound done today and almost cancelled it, but the ladies told me to come in anyway and they would see if they could do it. If they couldn't, I could reschedule and they wouldn't even charge me for it. As I sat in the waiting room I prayed that God would at least let me get the ultrasound today. I was so convinced that something was wrong, and that my other test would come back with bad news too.  It turns out they COULD do, so I was really grateful.

Another thing I love about the office is that they play Christian radio in all the rooms. I was listening to a song about how God won't give us more than we can handle and I had to pray again. I asked God to please let my test be normal, because I know he won't give me more than I can handle, but dealing with Brian's illness is enough, I can't bear anything else in this moment.

My doctor came in and told me the ultrasound, and my other test were normal.  I was so relieved I could cry. I took the time to thank the doctor and the nurse because they are always so great. As a matter of fact, one of the first questions they each asked me today was whether or not we had heard anymore about Brian's tests. Its so touching that they would even think of that first. I know they care and I know that they have perhaps one of the most important qualities I look for in my health care professionals and that is compassion. Compassion like I can't even believe compared to some of the doctors we have dealt with in Brian's case.

And they aren't even just being nice to me because of all of my extra stress. I remember one day back in the fall when I had my miscarriage. I had to go in for blood tests, a lot of them, to make sure my pregnancy hormone level dropped back down to zero like it was supposed to. It got to the point after four our five times that I was just so depressed going in there because each time I felt like I was losing more and more of that little baby I never got to meet. One day, my favorite nurse was hurrying down the hall to get a different patient and she saw me sitting on the bench waiting for my blood draw. She stopped in the middle of what she was doing and just sat down and hugged me. I will never forget that little extra bit of kindness she showed to me on a day that I didn't even have an appointment with her and she was obviously busy. I felt so loved in that moment that I was so sad. I know that Heavenly Father was aware of me in my sadness and I felt like that nurse was just an angel sent to confirm His love for me through her. She is very obviously a Christian and a shining example of Christ's love. Truly a tender mercy of the Lord.

On the way home I had a strange feeling. I was so relieved over my good news, but then I thought of Brian and his MRI today. I feel guilty that I got a clean bill of health. I told Brian about it and he of course said that's irrational, but I can't help it. I still feel like it is so unfair that he is sick. He in his wisdom and understanding said,  "its not fair, but its not unfair either. I just got sick, it just happened, but that is no reason for you to wish more sadness or heartache on yourself than you already have. We should celebrate that you are healthy!" I love Brian so much. I can't ever express it enough. He is my whole world.

In the midst of our trials and my disillusionment with some members of Brian's healthcare team, I wanted to make sure I highlighted the great and compassionate work that my doctor and her team do. The whole office is a pleasure to work with from the front desk all the way to the ultrasound tech who told me today that she would be praying for us. Please let me know if you are looking for a new ob/gyn. I will let you know where I go, you will want to go there too!

Love, Lindsey

A Smashing Anniversary: Part I

Today is our actual anniversary! Two years ago we got married at noon on a hot July Saturday. I have so many great memories from that day. On Friday, we are taking off to Chicago for a day of   museum-ing and MEAT at Fogo de Chao! Ooooohhhh, I can't wait.

I love this one of Brian.

Here we are with our lovely bishop who performed the ceremony. We were laughing and so happy.

Well, we have a pizza from Gino's East baking! Another Brian surprise. We have gone there on many romantic symphony dates ;) and I want to quickly get back to my husband, but here were the little ways we surprised each other today.

I came home to this wonderful flower arrangement!

For Brian, I made a SMASH Book! They are really unique and fun, themed journals. I picked the wedding theme and filled it with a bunch of things I have collected over the years of my relationship with Brian. I hung on to everything, letters, ticket stubs, fortunes out of cookies. Lots of things. During our time apart, I actually threw everything away one night about two years after our break up. Later that same night, I dug my box out of the garbage because I couldn't bear to lose that part of my life. I am so glad I kept it all! Its fun to look at now and I thought the Smash Book was a great way to showcase some of my favorite pieces.

Here are some of my pages!

I will try to post more pictures later. I think this project turned out really well.

That is it for now! I am really excited for our weekend so I will try to remember to get some good pictures!

Attitude Adjustment

I finally got my attitude adjustment yesterday. I was in such a bad mood that I didn't want to feel better.

We signed up to work "security" at the Nauvoo Pageant last night. It must have been painfully obvious that I didn't feel like going.  After the third or fourth time of Brian telling me I really didn't have to go if I didn't want to, I snapped back, "I'm not going to ditch you like everyone else always does."  Ouch. Yes. I said that. We were going to meet up with some people at the church and head over at 3, but its also our month to clean the building so we went over at 1. So far, it has just been me and Brian and Matt (while he was home) who show up to clean even though there are two other families on our team. This is a source of frustration for me because we used to be on a team that actually participated and cleaning the building got to be a fun fast service experience. Not that all service needs to be fun, but it doesn't hurt. Plus, I feel like when you work to take care of the building you worship in, you appreciate it a lot more, at least I do.

Anyway, there we were and for an hour we were by ourselves sweating and cleaning and I admit I was not having very nice thoughts as I was pinned in the vestibule choking on inhaled window cleaner. There was a moment when I thought, "Quit being such a grump and say a prayer." But I didn't. I kept right on grumping. When I had finished the windows and was looking for my next task, around the corner walks our lovely Bishop. He brought three of his kids and another friend with him. They were in town getting our friend's car worked on so they came over to help clean, not even knowing we were there. Then our friend who was riding to Nauvoo with us showed up.

So here I was, sheepishly looking our Bishop and thanking Heavenly Father for knowing what I needed even though I refused to ask for it. We instantly had six more sets of hands and the rest of the cleaning went by quickly.

Even still, I wasn't crazy about the idea of driving all the way to Nauvoo. I wanted to go to the Pageant as a spectator of course, but not to direct traffic. And I wasn't looking forward to getting home really late and up at the crack of dawn for church either, but we took off a little after 3. The ride there was fun. We all talked a lot and Brian got me a soda (so easy to please). We arrived in Nauvoo and I was feeling better. I love it there. I love the beautiful temple on the bluff. I love the little shops and houses. I have never been there in the summer when everything is so alive before! It was neat to see. We got set up in our stylish orange vests and were posted in various positions. Brian and I were outside the main parking lot in charge of monitering who got into handicapped parking and directing to the other parking lot in case of overflow. I found myself happy to be greeting people and my spirits were lifted. Then the best thing happened.

I was just standing there when I heard, "LINDSEY!!!" I turned around to see one of my all time favortie sister missionaries running toward me. We just hugged and hugged. I hadn't seen her since, I think December. She had heard about Brian and the pure concern and worry in her eyes just broke my heart. We quickly caught each other up and I found out that she was transferred to Carthage two days ago. TWO DAYS! We could have missed each other! We exchanged contact info again since we had moved and promised to keep in better touch. It was the highlight of my night. Then a little later on, I bumped into another full time missionary we met at another one our trips to Nauvoo. She is an older lady on a mission with her husband and for some reason, we just really took a liking to one another. Kindred spirits I think. She was loving having her kids and grandkids in from out of state to enjoy the Pageant and I caught her up on us since I last saw her in December too. Her brow furrowed as she heard about Brian, but then something amazing happened. I didn't want to talk about how sad I was or how hard life is, I found myself instead focusing on the positive and MEANING it. I wanted both of my friends to know that we were okay and that our prayers were being answered. That I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us. I wasn't faking it! I really was overcome with gratitude over all of the good things that have happened over the last five months. Quite a change from my attitude most of this week. I am so glad I decided to go because otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to catch up with these sweet women. I wouldn't have been thinking about how thankful I was, I would have continued focusing on the sad stuff. My week wouldn't have been turned around, but it was.

We got everyone out of the parking lots safely and headed home late, around 11pm. Most of the way home Brian told stories about his mission in Brazil. I had heard most of them, but I just love listening to him talk about it. He loved Brazil and he loved serving as a full time missionary and he was good at it. I am proud to hear those stories. We got home safely and were in bed around 2am, but then we kept talking. I am tired today, but it was such a good night.

Love

Today, I am very excited because I had the wonderful opportunity to write a post for my dear friend Jacy's AMAZING blog: My Name is Jacy!! 

Since I started blogging, I have this delicious new habit of blog-hopping. I actually found Jacy through a really insightful blog comment I think I read on A BLOG ABOUT LOVE...I think, but it doesn't matter because Jacy's blog has become my very favorite one on the planet! It makes me laugh and cry and feel so empowered! Mostly, reading Jacy's blog will make you feel beautiful. She has had more than her fair share of trials and has come out SHINING. Going through some things that would leave most people bitter and distrustful, Jacy is a beacon of hope to anyone regardless of what tragedy has befallen, and she is just such an inspiration! I reached out to her after spending a lot of time on her blog and she reached right back. Its hard to believe I can feel like I have such a dear friend in someone I have never even met in real life! I really hope to meet someday.

After working on a post for her new series..."My Name is..." I am just flooded with love for Brian. I just love him so much. It's easy to get in a rut and get frustrated with our life right now. And when we are frustrated with life, it inevitably spills into our marriage. We have both been down, and probably a little short with each other lately, which is just not like us. We always treat each other very kindly and are always mindful to speak kind words, so these blue moods are really upsetting. But I am once again reminded that our attitudes are completely under our control, and writing this post and working on Brian's still secret anniversary gift have been beautiful reminders of how blessed we are to have the kind of marriage that we do.

I love Brian for so many reasons. Its so beautiful to be married to someone and to learn about the "real" them! So here are just a few of the reasons why I love him!

1. He seems serious, but really he is a goofball. This picture was taken before he got so good at hiding it. There is other, more recent evidence, however, I would get in BIG trouble if I posted it!

***UPDATE*** I just got PERMISSION to post the following picture!

2.  Brian really loves music. I know he gets this from his grandparents. Mostly Grandpa Johnson. Here he is practicing piano. He still does for a few hours every week. I love listening to him and I am proud of his progress. He hasn't ever taken lessons, but he is learning and he sounds so great!

3.  Brian is really romantic. I will say that in the hustle and bustle, as well as the comfort of married life, we have to make concious efforts to keep the "flame" in our marriage, but we both try a lot. The small and simple gestures mean the most.

4. Then there is the one thing that simultaneously inspires and infuriates me. He is THE most selfless person I have ever known. He would do anything for you regardless of whether he has known you for a moment or a lifetime. I really sincerely love that quality in my husband. He shows me a Christ like example of charity each and every day. The infuriating part is that people find it very easy to take advantage of this...and they do, but it is such an integral part of his character that I don't think people even notice they are doing it. At least I sure hope they don't.

Sometimes it is really nice to take a moment and be grateful for life and all of the craziness it entails. I am so thankful to be with Brian. I am so happy that we chose to be together. I love being his wife and taking care of him.

Love, Lindsey

Friends

I have been thinking a lot about friends lately. And I think they are kind of like apples. Sometimes you get a really mushy one and you think the whole bag is ruined, but really all you have to do is toss it and realize how perfectly good the rest of them are.  I have been trying to decide what to do with a friend who hurts my feelings and I just can't seem to let it go. I have gotten a lot of good advice though, and I think the best thing to do is just distance myself from any contact with that person, even facebook, because that is a place where passive aggressive people can really be allowed to hurt your feelings and get away with it.

Enough about that. What I really wanted to write about was how grateful I am again for such good friends. Last week on my birthday, I got a call from an old bookstore friend, Matt Hajny. This man has the uncanny ability to remember birthdays and he called me especially to tell me he was thinking about me on mine. It wasn't a long phone call, but we had a chance to catch up a little bit and he was asking how Brian was doing. I filled him in quickly and told him I was thinking about this other woman we worked with, Angela. Her husband also had brain cancer and I just have been wondering how she coped with some of the stresses. I would really be interested in getting her perspective because I feel like our situation is very unique.  Well, lo and behold, Friday I got a text from Matt saying that he went to dinner with Angela and got her info to me and mine to her so we can talk. He is just so thoughtful that way. My friends are coming up with unique and special ways to support us and I am so appreciative.

The Peoria Bach Festival was this past week as well. Brian and I went to both parts of the Christmas Oratorio Friday and Saturday. Matt came with us last night. Interestingly enough, on Friday, an older gentleman sat next to me and I knew I recognized him. I figured it was from the doctor's office where I used to work, so I asked if he was ever a patient there. He said in fact he was and he was just their that very morning. He told me his name and said that he had knee surgery four months ago and was seeing Dr. Chiou due to some swelling. This didn't really make sense because I haven't worked there since 2010 when I got married. Well I thought and thought, and then remembered that I knew him from a poetry class I took at ICC. At the end, I told him that is where I actually knew him from. It was a coincindence that he had seen Dr. Chiou. He was a very insightful and well traveled poet, and he had a great voice. I loved listening to him recite his work. We had a nice chat and then saw him again last night.

But the highlight of my whole weekend was last night when we got home. I was checking facebook before bed, and I saw a picture Amy had posted. She lit a luminaria for Brian at Henry's Relay for Life. I was just so touched. My eyes welled up with tears as I showed Brian the picture.  People always say that with true friends, no matter how much time has passed, you can always pick up right where you left off. That is so true to me with a couple of my very dearest friends. I don't see Amy as often as I wish I did, even though I see her more now than I had in the years right after high school, but I just know we will always have that kind of friendship.  And those few friends always pull a little closer to me in times of need. I think you know who you are. There is a picture of almost all of us from my little wedding.

Amy, I am so grateful for you.

Love, Lindsey

Some good news...finally!

Do you ever wonder if you are on the right path in life? Or how to tell if you are? I do. I usually find myself bouncing back and forth between two different thought processes when facing a trial. I either feel like "nothing worth anything is easy, so because  this situation is hard, I must be on the right track." Or, I feel like "this is SO hard, maybe I should take that as I sign that I am not on the right track and reevaluate my plan."  Often times the only way I can make a decision is to pray and wait for an impression on what I should do.  Amazingly, last week, that signal came loud and clear that nursing school is definititely what I should be pursuing. We found out that I am the recipient of a $3000 scholarship for school! This is such a huge blessing. Not that I ever doubted that it was a good idea, but things have been so stressful this semester. I found out that I got a C in my anatomy class and that was a huge disappointment. And while people have been very encouraging, I also know what a strenuous and huge committment any nursing program is and I have been praying for the strength to thrive in my studies.

Brian hasn't been able to get back to work yet since he had the second seizure, and it looks like he will be off for at least three more months pending his next MRI result. We were going to make it work with school, but its expensive. Interest rates on student loans just doubled so I really hated the prospect of taking out any more loans. Now, I don't even need to. Since I have finished all of my prerequisites, I only have nursing classes left and so my course load is a little lighter, at least this first year, and the scholarship should cover nearly all of my expenses.

I am so grateful for this blessing. It helps to confirm that nursing school is the right thing for me to be pursuing, and also strenthens my testimony that when you do your very best to keep the commandments, God is better able to bless you.

The BEST news of all came at Brian's follow up appointment. He had his three month MRI last week and we got the results today that the tumor is completely gone as far as we can tell with no regrowth, and everything looks stable. Of course the MRI can't show us what is going on at the cellular level, but it would show if there was even a clump of cells and there isn't. As a matter of fact, there is actually a little hole in Brian's brain where the tumor was. Evidently some brain tumors are completely separate from brain tissue so when they are removed, whatever part of the brain they were pressing on can just sort of 'bounce' back. Brian's cancer cells, however, actually invade healthy brain cells, changing brain into tumor which is a little scary. Anyway, for now it is gone!! That is something to celebrate. As irrational as it was, I did have the fear that the second seizure was caused by another tumor somewhere, or that maybe it had come back already, but for now those fears are assuaged.

The boys are downstairs playing a round of Axis and Allies. I have to get a picture of that serious game board for you. I have strict instructions not to touch any of the five thousand little plastic pieces. This is very serious business in our house.

Matt with his game face on. Axis and Allies is happening.

 This snake was on our step today! It was about four or five feet long.

This is Matt snake wrangling.

I am thankful to finally be able to post some good news. And some exciting times at the Johnson household. It has been great to have Matt home with us. I never do the dishes alone when he is here. Tonight we had a long geneology discussion over the dishes and it made my least favorite chore go a lot faster. And Brian's spirits are up with the help and companionship of his brother. I finally feel like things are starting to settle down and I am so looking forward to a nice relaxing summer!

Love, Lindsey

Some Thoughts on Mother's Day

     Once again, I find myself neglecting this ever so therapeutic blog. I just finished classes for the semester so I have some time to breathe and I plan on posting a little more frequently. I really wanted to mention that through this blog, I am finding not only the healing that comes with being honest with yourself and letting some of those rough and tumble thoughts and fears come out, but I have also found so many very powerful and thought provoking fellow bloggers out in the blogosphere. I have been fortunate enough to connect with some very inspiring and powerful women and I am very grateful for that. And they are so fun to read! Which brings me to my topic today. Motherhood.

     First I want to talk about what a great mother I am blessed to have. I know for me that I just didn't ever appreciate my mom like I do now that  I am an adult.   Our relationship has been through its ups and downs, through the tumultuous teenage angst, and the evolution from little girl Lindsey to adult Lindsey who makes her own decisions and some that Mom wouldn't have had me make. While we always loved each other, I am sure there were times when we didn't like or understand each other very much. But all that has changed. I see my mom now as not only my mother, but as a anchor of stability in our family, and as my dear friend. She is loving and kind and she sacrifices for me and my sister continuously. I wrote in her card this year, and I mean it with all my heart that we finally have the relationship I always dreamed we could have.  I know there have been countless hours in the past few months where the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom. I wanted her advice and I needed her to listen. One of the most powerful realizations that I have had recently is that I most definitely NEED my mom. Now more than ever. And that is almost paradoxical to me because I am a well adjusted adult and I have started my own little family with Brian now. I knew of course that I would always love my mom, but I didn't anticipate really needing her this much. She always knows what to say to make me feel better and when she doesn't know what to say, she brings me a milk shake or treats me to frozen yogurt, even though I know she doesn't really like the yogurt, just the toppings. There is that sacrifice again ;)  I can feel how much she loves me. I see the pain in her face when I come to her with a problem that she can't fix and I hope she can know that just listening to me and loving me unconditionally is enough. A mother's love is very special. No one in your life will love you like your mother and I am so very grateful for my mom.

     My mom loves me in a unique and special way that only she will ever love me. I know that because even though I miscarried our first baby last year, I felt that overwhelming and profound love from the moment I realized I was pregnant. I loved that little baby so much from the first. I have always approached Mother's Day from the perspecive of Daughter, and since we got married in 2010, I have been very much looking forward to experiencing it from a Mother's perspective.

     Women are revered in my church, and especially on Mother's Day. Usually they do something special for moms on Mother's Day like give them a flower. Last year, while they were passing out the flowers, they had given them to all of the mom's and then they asked all of the other women to stand up. It was just me and one of my friends who were left. She was still single at the time so I was the only married woman that wasn't a mom. We had only been trying for about eight months at that time, but I was really getting frustrated. I remember feeling so embarrassed to take a flower. I just felt so underserving because I wasn't a mom. I got out of the chapel as soon as possible and went to the bathroom and cried. I hated feeling so ungrateful, the flower wasn't meant to single me out as a non-mother, but to thank me for my service to the children in our church. I was serving as a Sunday school teacher for the eight and nine year olds at the time.

     Last month, I read this article in a church magazine and it really spoke to my heart. Its talked about  how we can seek "alternative opportunities for motherhood." Teaching children is one way, or volunteering to babysit, or supporting young people by attending sports events (sometimes Brian and I try to catch his cousin's ball games). Anyway, it helped me to realize that just because I haven't yet had the opportunity to raise children of my own, I am not childless. Heavenly Father has surrounded me with children and given me the opportunity to make a positive impact on their lives and I strive to do so.

     This year Mother's Day was especially hard. When I got up to shower for church I was already planning my escape before the flower distribution, I just didn't want to be singled out again. I just kept thinking about how special the day would have been had I been about seven months pregnant like I should have been. When I got out of the shower, Brian had gotten up and there was a pink envelope on my bedside table. My eyes filled with tears as I carefully opened it up and read these words:

"I hope you won't be offended or upset by this card, but I chose it specifically because I do feel like we have been on a 'journey' of sorts. I know its hard to see where it will take us, but you are the one I always wanted to take it with. I love you tremendously Lindsey. ~ Brian

     I did end up getting out of the chapel and setting up for my class early, but I really wasn't as sad as I thought I would be. I just felt so grateful and happy to be so deeply loved by my sweet Brian. We are so good for each other. I feel like even with the trials we are facing we are so lucky to be able to find joy in our life and in our companionship. Some days brain cancer feels like a serious threat to that companionship, but in spite of it all, I know we can face it as long as we are side by side.  

Love, Lindsey

One week later...

It's hard to believe an entire week has passed since our ordeal began. Today I am grateful for the absolute outpouring of love and support from our friends and family. Last night my sweet friend Sandra made a delicious lasagna and nice fresh salad which was really good since I haven't been getting too many vegetables in.  Tonight our friends the Derais' brought over some shrimp alfredo that was TO DIE FOR. Scott is a chef so I was really looking forward to that all day ;) Brian and I love food. Sandra and Emilyn both brought chocolate because my sweetest friends know that during times of stress, or sadness, or joy, or days that end in -y, I am always craving chocolate.

Brian has been in a lot of pain today. He says its a new kind of pain and I think its just because he is feeling more alert and maybe starting to heal. The swelling doesn't look as bad today either. I might still just call the doctor tomorrow to make sure its normal. He is having lots of shooting pain and I hate to watch him hurt like that. A part of me feels so relieved that the surgery is over, but I have this sense of dread looming over me as we await these pathology results.

Brian is cleaning up now and then we are going to settle in for the night I think.  I am going to read a UFO magazine that my sister got for me. That will help us to decompress and laugh a little. Brian's sense of humor has been kind of funny lately. He is just being a total goofball. I think it must be the heavy pain meds, but he is cracking me up.

Pray for positive test results soon. My patience is wearing thin.

Lindsey

Valentine's Day 2012

I am sitting here in the chair where this whole nightmare started, almost five days ago to the minute. I had gotten home from work around three on Tuesday and Brian was asleep downstairs. He didn't get to bed till noon so I was just planning to let him sleep. We had promised not to get each other anything for Valentine's Day since we went out last Saturday night, but on the counter was a box of chocolates from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and a card. I had a card for him hidden in the bedroom. Last year, we moved on Valentine's Day so in his card he wrote, "Hope this Valentine's Day is better than the previous one," that sentence has turned out to be one of life's greatest ironies for me.

We had tickets to go to the Peoria Symphony Orchestra's Valentine's Day show, but I knew how tired he was so I didn't wake him up for it. He got up around 8:30 and I gave him his card. We talked a little and he was going to take a shower and get ready for work.  I asked him to give me one last long hug because I was going to miss him at work and so he did.  I was writing note cards for a class and he went back to check his email before his shower.

Suddenly, I heard a big crash and I just hollered thinking he had dropped something.  He didn't respond so I got up and ran into the bedroom.  I saw him on the floor having a seizure.  He was convulsing and his mouth was bleeding. His shoulder was at an awkward angle and I thought it was dislocated. His eyes were dilated and his lips were blue and he had a cut on his arm and a bruise on his temple. I tried to get him to respond for a second and then told him I was going to call 911, I couldn't find his phone so I rand as fast as I could back to the living room and dialed mine. The adrenaline that was coursing through my body gave me an immediate and acute clarity of mind. I was speaking with the dispatcher who told me to roll him to his side which I did. I then remembered that Brian's mom had a flashing security porch light. I left Brian and ran to unlock the front door and turn it on. Jack was losing it at this point so I put him in the bedroom and shut the door. Then, I just held my husband and waited for what must only have been ten minutes or so, but felt like an eternity. A sheriff's deputy came first, followed by the ambulance.

A couple times, Brian jolted awake and was very afraid. He was asking what happened and he didn't know who I was. When the paramedics got there, he started to wake up. They asked him his name and how old he was. He said he was 18, and they asked if he was sure and he said yes.  After making him see The Vow with me just Saturday, you can imagine I was afraid he had just lost 11 years of memory.  He couldn't tell them who I was at that point either. They loaded him in the ambulance and I took off after them.

I called Brian's boss and my mom and dad who met me at the hospital.  Once we got into the emergency room, Brian was sitting up alert in the bed.  He remembered who I was and we started putting together the puzzle of what had happened.  He went back for a CT and we just said a prayer of thanks that we were home when this happened and that Brian wasn't in the shower, or driving a car, or at work.  The first of so many things we are grateful for. 

The CT results came back and showed a mass, but we wouldn't know more until an MRI.  They said it could be just an infection that had penetrated the sinuses, or it could be some kind of tumor.  We would have an MRI in the morning and Brian was being admitted.

My mom went home with me to get some things for Brian and I took a really fast shower. We came right back to his room and the waiting began. I can't remember much of that first night, but my mind was reeling from what we had been told. I thought he had an allergic reaction or something, or he was exhausted.

Wednesday morning came and went. We didn't have and MRI, but we did meet Dr. Tsung, a brain surgeon. A very good one. He said we wouldn't know for sure until surgery, but an MRI would show us more of what we were looking at, but from what he could tell, this was more than likely a brain tumor that he hoped would be totally benign because of Brian's age and health. Bill came to give Brian a blessing which was a relief. We waited for the MRI all day long and I spent most of the day calling family to let them know what was going on, and finally I went home to try to sleep in the evening.  Even though my dad stayed with Brian, I couldn't really sleep and kept waking up so mom and I got up at 2:30am and came back to the hospital.

They had finally come for Brian's MRI at 8:00pm just a couple hours after I left that night and Dr. Tsung came in at 8:30am Thursday with his nurse practitioner to talk about it. He still thought it was a brain tumor. Probably some sort of glioma

They let me go back with Brian to pre-op and I stayed with him for around and hour. Then they took him back and I went to wait.  Hospital time is strange because it feels like forever, but then you can't believe the clock shows that its so late. I think he must have come out around 3:30 or something but I can't remember. Dr. Tsung came and got me and told me that he is pretty sure its a glioma, but we don't know the cell type or grade yet. The initial pathology looks low grade, but the bad news is that this kind of tumor always comes back and when it does its always worse.  We won't know any more until the pathology comes back sometime this week, and even more when the chromosomal analysis is back in a few weeks, but it could be two years, or it could be ten years before we see it again. Brian spent most of the night in recovery because they didn't even have a room for him on the floor.  Luckily, they finally let me see him. And they even let his mom and dad come back.  Also, Bishop Pincock and Bill came and along with Brian's dad they gave me a blessing of comfort.  My dad came for that and I was so completely grateful that he was there.

Needless to say, that was very scary news for us, but nothing is certain yet. The nurse told me that once I saw him after surgery, I would be relieved. I couldn't believe her because I didn't get the news I wanted about the tumor. I wanted it to be totally benign, but she was right. I was so overwhelmed with relief when I saw him.

The nurse said Brian was out of it so we should all get some sleep at home. It was hard to leave but I slept about five hours that night and then got up Friday and went to talk to my professors at school. When I got back to the hospital, Brian was up and alert. Sore and tired, but he looked good to me. As the day went on he got more and more swollen. I was upset because that night they moved us to a room right across from where we were on Wednesday and it wasn't a private room.  There was a sweet old guy who had had a stroke in there, but he was snoring and coughing loudly all night. I stayed with Brian that night and I was so glad to see my friend Maria from school was Brian's tech.  She was an answer to our prayers and took great care of him all night. 

Saturday we got up and I helped Brian and our neighbor order breakfast. The physical therapist came in and ran her battery of tests which Brian passed with flying colors.  Then Dr. Tsung came in and said that two days post op would be the earliest anyone was allowed to go home, but if Brian felt up to it he could. Of course he wanted to and so Dr. Tsung got the paper work started.  At about one it was time to leave so we packed up and came home.

My parents came over early and cleaned the house up really nice for me. And my sister and her boyfriend have been taking care of all of my chocolate and soda needs. She gets all of the cute stuff like balloons and flowers too. The rest of Saturday was just settling in. Brian was resting and I was making charts to keep track of his medicines. 

Today, he is a little more swollen but getting good rest and not too much pain. This is all I have the energy for tonight, but I will keep updating on his status.

I am so grateful for all the help and prayers and calls and visitors. I can't express my gratitude.  I also want to say that I know that our Heavenly Father is aware of us and has a plan. I can't tell you how much of a comfort that has been to us already. I am seeing answered prayers everywhere I look. Sometimes in very unique places.

More to come.

Lindsey