Tender Mercies of the Lord



Today was a really nerve wracking day. Brian had his 6 month MRI today. We won't get the results of that until next Tuesday. We are actually gearing up for a really stressful week next week. We see the oncologist Monday, where hopefully we will get results from Brian's chromosome analysis that the doctor wanted to reevaluate. Pray for good news there. Then Tuesday we get our MRI results and say good bye to the neurology office for the last time. Then Wednesday Brian sees the CAT doctor and if all goes well, he will be back to work Wednesday night. As I have mentioned before, this is scary for me, but I know it will be so good for Brian to get back into a routine. He has been talking increasingly about work and I know he will feel better to get back in the swing of things again.

I have actually been having some health concerns of my own. Ever since we have been trying to get pregnant two years ago (this month! wow!) I have been having some "female" issues. For a long time I felt like I was sort of getting blown off and having to just kick the ball down the road to address them later. Then I met my current doctor.

If you need an ob/gyn, I can't recommend her or her staff enough. For the first time, she was willing to address my concerns. I was all set up to see her in February, but my appointment fell on Brian's surgery day so of course I had to cancel it. I had another one set up for this month so I just decided to sit tight and let Brian's issues settle down before I readdressed my own.

I went in 10 days ago and was met with such overwhelming kindness and compassion from the doctor and the sweetest most compassionate nurse I have ever met! (I hope you see this B!)  I filled the nurse in on what we have been going through and of course tears welled up in my eyes in spite of my best efforts to stay calm. She put her pen and computer down and just gave me the biggest hug, and that was the best thing anyone could have done for me. She said she didn't know what to say, but the hug said it all. She filled the doctor in and when I saw her she listened intently to my concerns and told me we could do a whole battery of tests to rule out all of my worries. So I got tons of blood drawn, had another test, and scheduled an ultrasound.

Last Friday I got my results back and everything was normal as far as the blood tests went. Except, SURPRISE! High cholesterol. Not terribly high, not even enough to do anything about it except watch my diet a little more closely, but honestly, this wasn't a surprise because of all my stress eating lately. I am not wanting health food, I want CARBS, bacon, and chocolate in all of their incarnations. As I type this I am munching on a banana bread recipe from Cooking Light. Its good, but nothing compared to Grandma Branch's cheesecake brownies that I polished off for breakfast. SEE!!! I HAVE A PROBLEM! But like my sweet Emily says, Meth is a problem, chocolate and carbs are not. Love that girl.

But back on track.

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to have my ultrasound done today and almost cancelled it, but the ladies told me to come in anyway and they would see if they could do it. If they couldn't, I could reschedule and they wouldn't even charge me for it. As I sat in the waiting room I prayed that God would at least let me get the ultrasound today. I was so convinced that something was wrong, and that my other test would come back with bad news too.  It turns out they COULD do, so I was really grateful.

Another thing I love about the office is that they play Christian radio in all the rooms. I was listening to a song about how God won't give us more than we can handle and I had to pray again. I asked God to please let my test be normal, because I know he won't give me more than I can handle, but dealing with Brian's illness is enough, I can't bear anything else in this moment.

My doctor came in and told me the ultrasound, and my other test were normal.  I was so relieved I could cry. I took the time to thank the doctor and the nurse because they are always so great. As a matter of fact, one of the first questions they each asked me today was whether or not we had heard anymore about Brian's tests. Its so touching that they would even think of that first. I know they care and I know that they have perhaps one of the most important qualities I look for in my health care professionals and that is compassion. Compassion like I can't even believe compared to some of the doctors we have dealt with in Brian's case.

And they aren't even just being nice to me because of all of my extra stress. I remember one day back in the fall when I had my miscarriage. I had to go in for blood tests, a lot of them, to make sure my pregnancy hormone level dropped back down to zero like it was supposed to. It got to the point after four our five times that I was just so depressed going in there because each time I felt like I was losing more and more of that little baby I never got to meet. One day, my favorite nurse was hurrying down the hall to get a different patient and she saw me sitting on the bench waiting for my blood draw. She stopped in the middle of what she was doing and just sat down and hugged me. I will never forget that little extra bit of kindness she showed to me on a day that I didn't even have an appointment with her and she was obviously busy. I felt so loved in that moment that I was so sad. I know that Heavenly Father was aware of me in my sadness and I felt like that nurse was just an angel sent to confirm His love for me through her. She is very obviously a Christian and a shining example of Christ's love. Truly a tender mercy of the Lord.

On the way home I had a strange feeling. I was so relieved over my good news, but then I thought of Brian and his MRI today. I feel guilty that I got a clean bill of health. I told Brian about it and he of course said that's irrational, but I can't help it. I still feel like it is so unfair that he is sick. He in his wisdom and understanding said,  "its not fair, but its not unfair either. I just got sick, it just happened, but that is no reason for you to wish more sadness or heartache on yourself than you already have. We should celebrate that you are healthy!" I love Brian so much. I can't ever express it enough. He is my whole world.

In the midst of our trials and my disillusionment with some members of Brian's healthcare team, I wanted to make sure I highlighted the great and compassionate work that my doctor and her team do. The whole office is a pleasure to work with from the front desk all the way to the ultrasound tech who told me today that she would be praying for us. Please let me know if you are looking for a new ob/gyn. I will let you know where I go, you will want to go there too!

Love, Lindsey

Attitude Adjustment

I finally got my attitude adjustment yesterday. I was in such a bad mood that I didn't want to feel better.

We signed up to work "security" at the Nauvoo Pageant last night. It must have been painfully obvious that I didn't feel like going.  After the third or fourth time of Brian telling me I really didn't have to go if I didn't want to, I snapped back, "I'm not going to ditch you like everyone else always does."  Ouch. Yes. I said that. We were going to meet up with some people at the church and head over at 3, but its also our month to clean the building so we went over at 1. So far, it has just been me and Brian and Matt (while he was home) who show up to clean even though there are two other families on our team. This is a source of frustration for me because we used to be on a team that actually participated and cleaning the building got to be a fun fast service experience. Not that all service needs to be fun, but it doesn't hurt. Plus, I feel like when you work to take care of the building you worship in, you appreciate it a lot more, at least I do.

Anyway, there we were and for an hour we were by ourselves sweating and cleaning and I admit I was not having very nice thoughts as I was pinned in the vestibule choking on inhaled window cleaner. There was a moment when I thought, "Quit being such a grump and say a prayer." But I didn't. I kept right on grumping. When I had finished the windows and was looking for my next task, around the corner walks our lovely Bishop. He brought three of his kids and another friend with him. They were in town getting our friend's car worked on so they came over to help clean, not even knowing we were there. Then our friend who was riding to Nauvoo with us showed up.

So here I was, sheepishly looking our Bishop and thanking Heavenly Father for knowing what I needed even though I refused to ask for it. We instantly had six more sets of hands and the rest of the cleaning went by quickly.

Even still, I wasn't crazy about the idea of driving all the way to Nauvoo. I wanted to go to the Pageant as a spectator of course, but not to direct traffic. And I wasn't looking forward to getting home really late and up at the crack of dawn for church either, but we took off a little after 3. The ride there was fun. We all talked a lot and Brian got me a soda (so easy to please). We arrived in Nauvoo and I was feeling better. I love it there. I love the beautiful temple on the bluff. I love the little shops and houses. I have never been there in the summer when everything is so alive before! It was neat to see. We got set up in our stylish orange vests and were posted in various positions. Brian and I were outside the main parking lot in charge of monitering who got into handicapped parking and directing to the other parking lot in case of overflow. I found myself happy to be greeting people and my spirits were lifted. Then the best thing happened.

I was just standing there when I heard, "LINDSEY!!!" I turned around to see one of my all time favortie sister missionaries running toward me. We just hugged and hugged. I hadn't seen her since, I think December. She had heard about Brian and the pure concern and worry in her eyes just broke my heart. We quickly caught each other up and I found out that she was transferred to Carthage two days ago. TWO DAYS! We could have missed each other! We exchanged contact info again since we had moved and promised to keep in better touch. It was the highlight of my night. Then a little later on, I bumped into another full time missionary we met at another one our trips to Nauvoo. She is an older lady on a mission with her husband and for some reason, we just really took a liking to one another. Kindred spirits I think. She was loving having her kids and grandkids in from out of state to enjoy the Pageant and I caught her up on us since I last saw her in December too. Her brow furrowed as she heard about Brian, but then something amazing happened. I didn't want to talk about how sad I was or how hard life is, I found myself instead focusing on the positive and MEANING it. I wanted both of my friends to know that we were okay and that our prayers were being answered. That I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us. I wasn't faking it! I really was overcome with gratitude over all of the good things that have happened over the last five months. Quite a change from my attitude most of this week. I am so glad I decided to go because otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to catch up with these sweet women. I wouldn't have been thinking about how thankful I was, I would have continued focusing on the sad stuff. My week wouldn't have been turned around, but it was.

We got everyone out of the parking lots safely and headed home late, around 11pm. Most of the way home Brian told stories about his mission in Brazil. I had heard most of them, but I just love listening to him talk about it. He loved Brazil and he loved serving as a full time missionary and he was good at it. I am proud to hear those stories. We got home safely and were in bed around 2am, but then we kept talking. I am tired today, but it was such a good night.

Feeling "Weak in the Heart"

I hope you will take just three and a half minutes of your day to watch this short message. I watched it for the first time in November.  Some of these messages truly speak to my heart. I remember seeing this one and thinking it was nice, but it was one that really didn't apply to me. I had faith and I just knew that if anything tragic or terrible happened to me that my faith would lift me up and carry me right through it.

Just three short months later, my world crumbled when we found out my sweet Brian was sick. Since then I have been humbled. I try my very hardest to cling to my faith, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have days when I felt angry, afraid, hysterical, and completely lost.

I was talking to my mom on my way home from work today like I do most days, and we were talking a little bit about faith and the observable differences it can make in your life.  I love being able to talk about faith with my mom. We may not agree on everything, but our similarities are far more numerous than our differences and it is such a great comfort to me to be able to share those intimate thoughts with her.

I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the way it has transformed my life. I shudder to imagine the despair I would feel if it weren't for the eternal perspective I choose to see life through.  I have answers to quietly nagging questions I had for a long time. Knowing that we are on this Earth to learn and grow from our trials doesn't make them any easier for us, but it gives me a reason to endure. And the sure knowledge that Brian and I can be always together is a comfort to me in my darkest times.

When I got home today, I was looking for a video I wanted to show my mom and I found this one again. I watched it and could barely hold back the tears. NOW, I need it. Now it speaks directly to my heart. I was grateful to run across this message again and I think it is worth remembering that we are not expected to be perfect, just to improve.

"To the individual who is weak in the heart, fearful in the heart...be patient with yourself. Perfection comes, not in this life, but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement. As you let the Lord help you through that, He will make the difference."

~Elder Russell. M. Nelson~

Love, Lindsey

"love life, and see good days"

Today, I was feeling really sorry for myself. I was having a pity party of supreme proportions and I didn't even want to stop. I didn't want to go to church when I woke up, but luckily Brian did so I pretended I did too and got ready. While we were there I found myself choking back tears the whole time. It wasn't even an especially emotional meeting, I was just feeling sappy. I took several opportunites this afternoon to duck into the bathroom or slip outside with Jack just to have a little cry without Brian seeing. At one point, I was sitting on the front step listening to the wind with tears in my eyes and I just prayed a quick angry prayer, "This isn't fair. Why is this happening? I hate my life."

Brian came out and we took Jack for a walk to the park and enjoyed the extra hour of sunlight. When we came in I was reading a catalog from a church book store and a scripture stood out to me. I went and grabbed Brian's bible and turned to 1 Peter 3:10 and read, "love life, and see good days." For some reason, I still stand amazed when I receive such very personal answers to my prayers.

The Lord is always with us. He knows the desires of our hearts, but He wants us to reach out to Him in prayer so that he can meet us half way with an answer. The more we strive to draw closer to our Father in Heaven, the easier it is for Him to communicate back to us. This is one of the sweetest blessings in life.

Even when our prayers are belabored, and not full of the gratitude that they should be, He will hear and answer us. The gentle command to "love life, and see good days" was exactly the answer I needed tonight. We are blessed with the agency to choose how we respond to the variety of challenges we will be faced with in this life. We may not be able to change the circumstance, but we most definitely can change our attitude and make the choice to love life instead of hating our current situation. And each day is simply a day, it is up to us whether it will be a good day or a bad one. Sometimes I forget that simple truth. Brian and I talked and promised each other to try to go forward with more positive attitudes. We have both been a little down since our appointment on Friday.

We see the nurse practioner for the neurosurgeon on Tuesday and the radiation oncologist on Friday. As always, your continued thougths and prayers are both appreciated and needed.

Lindsey

An Angel on a Tissue Box

Today I went to school and came to work at Brian's request. I need to take advantage of the time his mom and dad are here so I can try to keep some money coming in.  Also, we won't have results until later this week so work is a welcome distraction. 

I am a little tired today. Brian woke up and wanted to take a shower at 2am, which we were going to do, but his head was really hurting so I gave him some more pain meds and told him we could do it in a couple hours. I got up and showered at 4am so that I could help him before I went to school. He did well and wasn't feeling too off balance, but I was so afraid he would fall. His incision looks much better after a hot shower and I know he felt better. He had his morning meds and apple pie for breakfast thanks to Marcia Smallwood :)

I just called and talked to Brian's mom. She said he is resting well and only wanted one pain pill this morning when it was time. I just can't help but worry about him. I hate being at work and away. Yesterday he said he just wanted me to lay with him all day so I did and I wish I still was.

I did want to tell a special story that is just more evidence to me that God is watching out for Brian.  The other night when Uncle Bill gave Brian his blessing, he said that he felt prompted to let us know that Heavenly Father had an angel standing watch at Brian's bed and it would stay that way throughout this whole ordeal.  During my personal prayers that night and Thursday, I asked that somehow the angel would be revealed to us. Not because I doubted the blessing, but because I desired the additional comfort that would bring. I continued in faith not knowing how or when, but that I would indeed have an answer to that prayer. That answer came yesterday. It was late afternoon and Brian and I were lying in bed and I was listening to my voicemail.  Brian started chuckling and when I got off the phone I asked what was so funny. He said, "put your glasses on and look at the tissue box.  Can you see the angel?" I looked and all I could see was the flower design on the box, but he insisted that he could see a fat little cherub face with lots of curly hair and it was laughing.

I hadn't told Brian about my personal prayers, and I still haven't yet, but I know this was a miraculous answer to my most sincere prayer. If Heavenly Father is hearing and answering little prayers like my wish for us to see an angel, I know he is hearing the big ones, so please friends, keep praying for us as we await the pathology results.