Valentine's Day Weekend

I never felt like Valentine's Day was a big deal. We always did a card, and maybe dinner on the weekend, but nothing extravagant. It will always carry a special significance for me from now on though, as its the anniversary of Brian's first seizure. I'm not sure why a year feels like such a huge milestone for me. Maybe its because I've made a committment to myself to live a better, richer life, and a year seems like an appropriate amount of time to have adjusted to some of life's peaks and valleys.

I've noticed my stress level ebbing and flowing a lot lately. I never thought I would say this, but I am almost thankful for the little stresses of life (The girlfriend drama, do women ever grow up? The school stress. What am I going to make for dinner, and how am I going to get the laundry done?) if only because it means that the real problems in life are manageable right now. A year ago at this time, I was sitting in the hospital with my sweet Brian watching him get more and more swollen and just praying that pathology results would come back okay. Everything else fell far, far away and while I was overwhelmed, my priorities were straight. Take care of Brian. Get rest. Eat. Pray. Repeat.

Now that we are out of crisis mode, I have the freedom to add a few things that priority list, but the core remains the same. My marriage is my number one priority. Marriage is hard work. Even good marriages need serious maintenence so that they don't fall into disrepair, just like a house. When I don't clean my house for a week or two (who am I kidding? I haven't done a good deep clean in months!) I don't want to live in it. Like a house needs upkeep, so does a marriage. This means lots of communicating, and I get uncomfortable with maintenence conversations sometimes because I want to believe that Brian and I are just perfect for each other and things should always fall magically into place. Perspective is everything though, and knowing that these conversations don't mean that our marriage is broken, but that we are working to keep it healthy makes all the difference. We constantly grow as a couple, and it is so important never to take the blessing of our marriage for granted. We chose each other as companions, and we must choose also to progress together.

On that note, here is a little photo journey of how Brian swept me away this weekend to celebrate and decompress after a very tumultuous year.



I woke up early on Valentine's Day to make pink, heart-shaped pancakes for
my love, and when I came into the kitchen, I saw....



this lovely surprise!! Brian got us tickets for The Hobbit in IMAX 3D at Navy Pier
and we were spending the night in Chicago!
(Of course notice the Hobbit font which had me squealing with delight at 6am.)

We had a corner suite and it was great!
We ate at Fogo de Chao and came home and spent the night cuddling and digesting ;)

Love!

Day Two, almost Hobbit time!

For lunch we I had a New York dog with sour kraut and brown mustard,
and Brian had the "Ditka Dog" a footlong spicy polish sausage with chilli and cheese on french bread.
But that's not all, we topped it off with a mint chip dazzler!

It was delicious!

So sad...time to go home!

 

It really was the best Valentine's Day ever. I am so grateful for such a sweet Valentine. I am thankful that Brian is healthy and confident that he will continue to improve. Relationships are so important. Whether its a friendship, or a relationship with a significant other or your family, do not take it for granted. As humans we are programmed to depend on each other. Work hard to cultivate those connections. It is not a sign of weakness, but of strength when you can continually strive to thrive within your relationships.

I'm ever grateful for the strong and true relationships in my life.

 

Love

Today, I am very excited because I had the wonderful opportunity to write a post for my dear friend Jacy's AMAZING blog: My Name is Jacy!! 

Since I started blogging, I have this delicious new habit of blog-hopping. I actually found Jacy through a really insightful blog comment I think I read on A BLOG ABOUT LOVE...I think, but it doesn't matter because Jacy's blog has become my very favorite one on the planet! It makes me laugh and cry and feel so empowered! Mostly, reading Jacy's blog will make you feel beautiful. She has had more than her fair share of trials and has come out SHINING. Going through some things that would leave most people bitter and distrustful, Jacy is a beacon of hope to anyone regardless of what tragedy has befallen, and she is just such an inspiration! I reached out to her after spending a lot of time on her blog and she reached right back. Its hard to believe I can feel like I have such a dear friend in someone I have never even met in real life! I really hope to meet someday.

After working on a post for her new series..."My Name is..." I am just flooded with love for Brian. I just love him so much. It's easy to get in a rut and get frustrated with our life right now. And when we are frustrated with life, it inevitably spills into our marriage. We have both been down, and probably a little short with each other lately, which is just not like us. We always treat each other very kindly and are always mindful to speak kind words, so these blue moods are really upsetting. But I am once again reminded that our attitudes are completely under our control, and writing this post and working on Brian's still secret anniversary gift have been beautiful reminders of how blessed we are to have the kind of marriage that we do.

I love Brian for so many reasons. Its so beautiful to be married to someone and to learn about the "real" them! So here are just a few of the reasons why I love him!

1. He seems serious, but really he is a goofball. This picture was taken before he got so good at hiding it. There is other, more recent evidence, however, I would get in BIG trouble if I posted it!

***UPDATE*** I just got PERMISSION to post the following picture!

2.  Brian really loves music. I know he gets this from his grandparents. Mostly Grandpa Johnson. Here he is practicing piano. He still does for a few hours every week. I love listening to him and I am proud of his progress. He hasn't ever taken lessons, but he is learning and he sounds so great!

3.  Brian is really romantic. I will say that in the hustle and bustle, as well as the comfort of married life, we have to make concious efforts to keep the "flame" in our marriage, but we both try a lot. The small and simple gestures mean the most.

4. Then there is the one thing that simultaneously inspires and infuriates me. He is THE most selfless person I have ever known. He would do anything for you regardless of whether he has known you for a moment or a lifetime. I really sincerely love that quality in my husband. He shows me a Christ like example of charity each and every day. The infuriating part is that people find it very easy to take advantage of this...and they do, but it is such an integral part of his character that I don't think people even notice they are doing it. At least I sure hope they don't.

Sometimes it is really nice to take a moment and be grateful for life and all of the craziness it entails. I am so thankful to be with Brian. I am so happy that we chose to be together. I love being his wife and taking care of him.

Love, Lindsey

Today is my Birthday

Well, I turned 28 today. It looks stranger reading it than it even did saying it all day. I don't feel much older than 20. I guess that is how it works. I was lucky enough to celebrate with my family in Henry on Saturday. It was my parents, sister, brother-in-law, Brian of course, and my dear sweet friend Joe, who might as well be family. My cake was huge. It was a chocolate-fudge-filled-chocolate-cake-with-chocolate-fudge-icing. I have never met a chocolate cake I couldn't handle, but this one was ALMOST too much! Also, I got a haircut from Amy and I just love her so much. She did a great job as always, and I was proud because I didn't even cry while I was filling her in on our last few months. When I got up to pay, she wouldn't let me. Then I started crying. I am just so grateful to have good friends. I am so inspired to be a better friend every day because I really don't even know where I would be without the loving kindness of my truest friends. This experience has really helped me to sort out who my true friends are and I am happy to report that I am so blessed to have so very many.

I have to admit, this is a really sad birthday for me.  I just don't feel like myself.  When I blew out my candles I made a silly wish for Brian to be cancer free. I know it is a childlike thing to do, but I know those wishes can come true. The years Brian and I were apart, I would always wish we could find our way back to each other and we eventually did.

As sad as I feel some days, I am very much overcome with gratitude for the blessings of friendship which surround me.

Usually, I am really overcome on my birthday with how many people send kind regards for the day. Just to know so many people are thinking about me always comes as sort of a surprise.  But this year, I wasn't surprised at all. Ever since Brian has been sick I have been so overcome by the out pouring of love and support that has been shown to us. I simply don't have the words to express how very grateful I am for all of the ways we have been shown love today and always. The prayers, calls, texts, cards, gifts, hugs, listening ears, and shoulders to cry on have all sustained me.

I spent most of tonight working on my anniversary present to Brian, which is a secret since he reads this, but I can't wait to show him. We did get to go out to Johnny's for dinner with a gift card from my family. Thanks mom, you are off the hook this time!

I am tired and have a big day tomorrow, but please know that I wouldn't be where I am today, right now, without my dear friends.

Love, Lindsey

A Love Story: Part 2

So, this morning I left off with early 2006.

Brian and I both dated other people. He dated a few, I dated a lot, haha. He was always in the back of my mind though because he was just the one I loved. I never knew what love was until I loved him. And try as I might, I couldn't really envision myself with anyone else. Over the next three years we kept in touch via email periodically. One time in 2008, we even got together and talked about what it would be like to be together again. For various reasons, we decided at that point that we wouldn't try to make it work, but I started having that ache for what we had before. There were many times when we didn't like each other, but deep down we always loved each other. Once you experience that kind of love it stays with you always.

In May of 2009, I had just broken up with someone I had been seeing for about eight months. I had received an email from Brian a month or so before telling me that he was living in Virginia again.  I was bummed about my break up, but I knew it was the right thing to do, and then I had a dream about Brian. Those who know me well won't be surprised by this because I have intense and vivid dreams all the time. Its one of my favorite reasons to sleep.  This particular night, I was dreaming that I was riding in a car with my ex and we were arguing. I remember looking out the window and when I looked back, Brian was driving the car. I felt an overwhelming rush of relief at seeing him, and it was one of those dreams where you wake up longing for more.

At work that day, I wrote an email to Brian. I wanted to let him know that I was thinking about him and that I hoped he was doing well and getting settled into school or whatever he was doing in Virginia. I didn't anticipate anything really coming of it, I just had him on my mind and wanted him to know.

The next day I was at the front desk at work and I looked up and Brian was walking through the door. My heart literally skipped a beat when I saw him. I couldn't believe he was standing there. He asked me if I had some time to get together after work and I said yes. When I got off we just sat and talked. If you know him, you know that he is the opposite of me. He is logical, I am emotional, he has plans, and I have freak outs. Brian doesn't believe in soul mates in the traditional sense. And he told me as much, but he said he couldn't believe the sequence of events the day before.

I emailed him during the day. He had just barely moved back to Illinois. He was just feeling like he  should be back in Illinois but he didn't know why. The night I emailed him, he was at Wal-Mart picking up some stuff and he was in the parking lot thinking about me. He said he was going to get in his car and drive up to my mom and dad's house and tell me I needed to break up with my boyfriend because there is no way he could love me as much as Brian did. He decided such an impulsive declaration wouldn't be the best idea so he went home and when he sat down to check his email and  he saw my letter. The timing of everything seems very romantic to me.  Finally after three and a half years we were on the same page.

I didn't really deal well for a long time after Brian and I broke up initially. Nothing bad happened between us, but when I realized what a mistake it was that we weren't together, I was really heartbroken. Without knowing what was going on with me emotionally, all my friends and family saw was me falling apart afterward.  So needless to say, everyone was shocked when I announced after a few weeks that we were back together. Very slowly but surely people started to realize that I was happy again and that it was because of Brian.

Falling back into a routine with Brian was easy. I didn't need to fall back in love with him becuase I had really never stopped loving him. We had all of the old little things in common still, and any other issues that we used to have had been reconciled in the interim. We became serious very quickly. We visited Virginia again in summer 2009 and I was welcomed lovingly back into his family. 

In November of 2009 we visited Chicago to see the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Its one of our favorite things to do for a day trip. We had dinner at a upscale chinese restaurant called Ben Pao and my fortune cookie that night read, "a sweet surprise awaits you" and it did. In the gallery at they symphony center Brian asked me to marry him. I said yes and we spent the next eight months planning our very simple and intimate wedding. We got married on July 17th, 2010 and it was easily the happiest day of my life.

Not many pictures exist from Brian&Lindsey 1.0, but we have a lot from the spring when we got back together.

Looking back I can see all the unique and special ways that our Father in Heaven had a part in guiding Brian and I back to each other. I am so glad that we made the decision to be together again. It reminds me of a quote I read in a talk by President Thomas S. Monson, "Choose your love, and love your choice."

I am so happy loving my choice.

Lindsey

A Love Story...Eat your heart out Nicholas Sparks.

It looks like my blog may be making its way around and I want people to know who they are praying for. Brian is waking up in the middle of the night each night for pain meds and then we talk while he falls back to sleep. Last night he said he never imagined he could be so happy in the midst of such misery. We were talking about when we got back together, so I thought maybe I would share a little bit of our love story.

Brian and I met in January 2004.  We were taking a political science class at ICC with a Mr. Jim Thomas. He was a real riot of a teacher. I just remember he was really opinionated, but ask Brian what his opinions were because I can't remember. I was just nineteen and Brian was twenty-one and had just returned from serving a two year mission in Brazil for our church the previous October. His family had moved from Virginia Beach to Peoria while he was on his mission because his dad got a job at the airport and his mom has family here. Looking back on everything with the faith I have now, I feel like the decisions that led Brian to come here after his mission were some of the first little divine nudges that brought us to where we are today.

My memory doesn't work chronologically like Brian's does, but I can remember moments independent of their order, and I can honestly remember the first time I saw Brian because I thought he was so good looking. I remember Mr. Thomas would pass around a sign in roster each day and I would try to figure out who Brian was by watching him sign the roster. I always remember, there was this girl called Tammy who sat in between us and we would both be talking to her trying to steal glances at each other. Slowly we started spending breaks together in the library and by the end of the semester we were pretty good friends. We exchanged numbers on the last day of school and I ended up calling him first to see if he would go with me to my friend Ann's high school graduation which he did. That was our first date. From there, we really started falling for each other and soon we were exclusively dating.

We got along really well and enjoyed many of the same things.  Brian was such a sweetheart, always doing sweet things for me like baking me pies and driving them all the way to Lacon where I worked just to leave them on my car with a love note for me to find. In the summer of 2005, he took me to Virginia Beach and I saw the ocean for the first time with him.

In the fall of 2005, things changed. We just started not feeling quite right about being together. Several things were going on for me emotionally, and I think he felt the same way. I really just felt like it wasn't fun anymore. Things were very serious as far as our conversations went and we both started to get frustrated. We decided to take a break, which seemed like a good idea at the time. I just felt like we needed some time apart to grow independently of one another. A month later we got together for dinner. Brian was wondering if we had done the right thing after all. At that point, I felt like we had. I told him I didn't think we should be together and I was doing okay. About a month after that, I changed my mind and felt like we had made a terrible mistake, but by this time, Brian felt like we had done the right thing by breaking up and he was ready to move on.

I was pretty devastated and kind of went on an emotional tailspin. My great-gram, who absolutely loved Brian was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer around Christmastime and so at that point I was just focused on her. Brian came to visit her a few times. He had made her some CD's of old music that she loved to listen to and once he brought his guitar and played a little for her. I will never forget, one day I was sitting on the couch with her and holding her hand and she told me that she really wished things would have worked out for me and Brian.  She passed away in February 2006 and Brian was with me that day at her funeral.

I have to go to class, but this is a good stopping point. That was Brian and Lindsey chapter 1. Chapter 2 is ever so much better.

A few survivors from the first time we were together.
 This must have been June of 2004.

These were obviously taken New Year's Eve 2004. We look so young!

Lindsey