Two weeks ago today I worked a 3:00 to 11:30pm shift at the hospital. Brian called and left a message because he couldn't find Elliot's pacifier. I tried to call him back but he didn't answer. I tried a further three times throughout my shift, never getting an answer. He had worked the night before, so I just figured he was tired and had gone to bed. When I arrived home at about 12:30am, I was startled to see the front door wide open. All of the downstairs lights were on as was the television. If you know my OCD husband, you will understand my alarm. All I could think was that something happened and they had to leave in a hurry. I ran upstairs to find everyone safe. Brian asked what I was upset about and I told him. He said he had started a movie for he and Ethne to watch and then went upstairs to get Elliot to sleep. He said he must have fallen asleep because he never came back down. Ethne put herself to bed after the movie.
I can't remember if it was before or after that night, but Brian also had begun to leave his car door open when he got out. He continued to leave lights on. It was very unsettling to come home and have to shut his car doors for him. He was working a lot of overtime so I just assumed he was exhausted. Of course, brain tumor recurrence always lives at the not quite back of my mind, but he had just undergone a clear MRI in February. There were other indicators though, impulsive decisions while driving, and rapidly increasing fatigue and delayed motor function. It took him forever to put on his shoes for work. Then he got a terrible headache that lasted a few days, and then he started to vomit. All of this happened very quickly so last Friday, just a week ago, I called the oncologist. Monday, they got him in for an MRI, and set up a follow up for Tuesday.
The MRI took a long time. The tech called over to the cancer center to speak with his oncologist. Finally, he told Brian he was okay to go home that day. Looking back, I can see how foolish it was of me to keep trying to rationalize all of these little things, but in my gut, I knew something was wrong.
Tuesday morning at work, I got a call from Dr. Geoffroy. He told me we needed to see neurosurgery more than we needed to see him and it couldn't wait. The whole world instantly became thick like I was trying to walk through mud. My heart was pounding. I felt sick. I got in the car and Brian called me. I told him I was coming home. Then I called his mom and dad, and my mom.
That afternoon we sat across from Dr. Tsung and it felt like no time had passed since we last found ourselves here. Brian has another brain tumor. Right behind where the other one was located and almost as big. Its devastating. I know all the statistics, we have braced ourselves for this news every six months for the past six years, but nothing can prepare you for the sucker punch that cancer is back.
Brian will have surgery with intraoperative MRI on Monday. Its been the longest and shortest week. We are taking Ethne to Chicago tomorrow for the symphony and just to spend some time with her. She is worried, I can tell, but she can't understand what is happening. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for her. This morning she told me she knows what her daddy's head will look like because she saw a picture. I felt a lump in my throat as I remembered that I left the surgery instructions on the kitchen table. I decided to show her a picture of last time after surgery so she won't be afraid.
Things feel so different in lots of ways. This time we have our kids. And for them we will be strong. I don't have the luxury of falling apart this time. And I was just starting nursing school last time. This time, I feel confident communicating with the doctors and advocating for Brian. I know what to ask for and how to ask.
I don't know if I'm just still a little bit in shock, or what, but I am not as emotional as I was before. Or that isn't right, I am not crying all the time like I did last time. I was a mess. Right now I feel like I am in nurse mode. I just need to get him through surgery and get him home. I am beyond anxious. I haven't slept since Monday. I cannot get my brain to shut off. When its quiet and dark, that's when I struggle. I just listen to Brian's deep breaths next to me and wonder how this can happen again.
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