Monday, May 30, 2016

Real Talk

It's about to get real actual over here.

It's been some years since I've written anything here. I've started many a post that always goes unpublished. I was reading back over these old pages and thinking how I used this blog for the dual purpose of information and therapy, but mostly therapy. It's only been four years, but I feel like I can barely recognize that woman with all the faith in the world who was learning from her trials and grateful for them even. The irony is, I have very little to complain about compared to those days, but I feel much more vulnerable, emotionally.

Cancer took a toll on my husband most obviously, but also on my me and our family. It still lives in a dark place in the back of my mind and I hope with all I have that that's the only place it ever lives. In my mind, and not my husband's head.

Part of my problem is that I see a lot of people who have things a lot worse off than me and they are rocking life. At least it looks like it. And I am just in this period of existing, not quite living and I feel guilty for being in this rut when almost all of my desires have manifested. Brian is healthy, and I have  found my soulmate in a very strong willed, opinionated daughter, who is nothing like me and just the same in the space of one twirl across the trail of the woods we walk frequently.

Not everything has been perfect. We have been trying to give our daughter a sibling for a little over half her life and I finally conceived only to miscarry again. Everyone tells you it's so common to lose your first like I did, but once your body knows what to do, it won't happen again.

Until it does.

And then they tell you something like 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, that's 1/5. But I don't care. All I care about is that 2/3 of mine end that way. So that's been hard and that's a big part of my sadness, but it isn't all of it.

I only want to journal or blog when things are perfect like the blogs I read, but things aren't ever really perfect. Brian said maybe I should write some things down again. I started my paper journal again, and so I thought maybe I would dust off this old friend too and see how it goes.

I've got to do some coming back to life.