Confessions of a cancer wife.

The summer we reunited.

I love Brian. I always, always have. I fell in love with him when we first met and I tried so hard not to love him while we were apart, but in my heart of hearts, I knew I still did and I probably always would. When we got back together, I picked up right where I left off loving him.

I try to keep this blog honest and not sugar coat things. I have bad days. And that is okay to talk about because it means that when I have good days, and I talk about those, you can know that I am being completely genuine.

So...true confession time.

Confession #1- Sometimes I worry that I love Brian too much. I love him so much that I need him. He makes me so much better than I was without him.  I have grown tremedously being his wife, and while I know that I could live without him, I never want to ever again.

Confession #2- I spent a lot of time this year pushing Brian away. I know this sounds horrible, but a cancer diagnosis can really throw your life off balance in very unexpected ways. The most unexpected reaction I had started out as a subconscious distancing of myself emotionally from Brian.

Right at first, I wanted to be by his side each and every second. I wanted to lay with him and hold his hand and just look at him all the time. I was so nervous after surgery that he would fall, or have another seizure. I wanted to control every aspect of his days so that I could safeguard him against those things. Which in retrospect was silly because no amount of sheltering from me could have prevented his second seizire, or any that he might have in the future.

After a few months, Brian was getting stir crazy from being at home and he was finally starting to drive again. When he didn't need me there every moment, I started to realize I didn't want to be home all the time. I wanted to spend time with my friends and get out of the house. So I did. About once a week I would call my mom, or a girl friend and get away for a couple hours to just cry or vent or listen to someone else's life.

Then I started to get irritated with Brian. I was angry for things that weren't even his fault. I was mad that we couldn't try to have a baby, I was mad that we weren't looking for houses, I was even mad that he was sick. It felt like the DVD of our life started skipping at the worst part of the movie and we couldn't move on.

I don't think Brian really noticed it, except that I was moody. But I was really going crazy inside and even a little bit outside. I just thought if I didn't love Brian so much, if I did my best to focus on the things that annoyed me about him, that it wouldn't hurt so much that he was sick or that someday I might not have him with me.

I'm typing through tears right now because even the little time I wasted on those thoughts feels like too much. But I am writing this now because I did have a great breakthrough.

I don't know what changed, except that I really have been praying about it a lot, but for the past week or so, I have felt so much better. I also think it just takes some time to balance back out and get things sorted when something really big happens in life.

I have been really weepy and emotional to Brian, almost like I am letting my guard down and letting my love for him break through the little wall I was building around my heart. I told Brian last night that I feel like I love him more than I ever have. Even more than our wedding day, and I was really overflowing with love for him that day. He said, "I think maybe we have just come to understand what it means to love each other."  That just about broke my heart into a million pieces.

Most of us know what it feels like to love someone, but I would venture to guess fewer of us know what it really means to love someone else completely. As for myself, I feel like I am just barely starting to understand this, and I am almost grateful for the terrible year we have had because I feel like that learning process has been expedited in the face of our trials. I honestly think I would have kept coasting along not pushing myself to a deeper, more profound love. I think we would have made it there eventually, maybe a long time from now when we had spent a lot of years together. But this year we have really been faced with the fragility of life and what a blessing it is that we get to experience it at all.

Maybe I do love Brian too much, but its nothing short of what he deserves. He is the best husband to me. He thinks I give him too much credit, but he is honestly one of the best men I have ever known. Certainly the best I could have chosen as my companion. Neither of us are perfect, and I know we have made mistakes and will continue to do so, but I think the important part is that we are committed to continuing to try to be better for ourselves, our families, our friends and most importantly each other.

Love is a gift, so appreciate the love you have and strive for the love you want! You will be happier for your efforts! I do have a lot to say about what it means to love someone. I am going to think about that more and try to organize my thoughts.

But now I have to get back to real life. The dryer just kicked off and I have a test to study for!


Love, Lindsey