Overdue update!

I am way overdue on an update for Brian. For a very large part, things feel as normal as they have in a very long time. Brian was cleared to go back to work after my last post, and I am back in school. School is keeping me from blogging! I need to try to do better so my catch up posts aren't so long.

First, I need to say that I LOVE nursing school! It is so great to have something to throw myself into and be able to divert all my negative thoughts for awhile. School is challenging and stressful, but it is a completely different kind of stress so I don't feel as overwhelmed as I thought I might. Also, I have already met a WONDERFUL and lovely group of girls who I just know will be friends for a long time. I feel like I fit in even though we are all from different walks of life and I just love the program, the instructors, the material, all of it. I am so grateful to be an ICC nursing student.

Brian is liking being back at work. The extra money is nice, and he feels good to be out of the house. I still have a lot of anxiety when he is away. I worry all the time that I will get a middle of the night phone call that he had a seizure.

As for our medical updates, Brian finally started radiation last night. His appointment was actually August 14th so it took all this time to get him started with the radiation. They closed the downtown machine for repair or replacement, I am not sure which, so all of the patients have to go out to Route 91.  In a perfect world, Brian would be going downtown for the treatments right when he gets off work in the mornings, but instead he has to go to 91 and his times are all scattered. Mostly at night right now which is not ideal since it interrupts his sleep which he needs now more than ever. Even before radiation started, Brian was very tired. More tired than he was working thirds before and I think it is just because of what his body has been through. He feels better than he did of course, but I read that it can take a person up to a year to fully recover from brain surgery, throw chemo and radiation into the equation and its no surprise at all that he is so fatigued.

I went to radiation last night and the nurses let me watch while they set Brian up. I thought it would be interesting since I am a nursing student, I just wanted to see what it was like. (Note to self: do not use husband for learning experiences.) I got really emotional seeing him on that table with the mask on. The last couple weeks with their semblance of normal have really brought me back into a denial of sorts, and seeing him like that was a gut check. Reality came searing back and I just cried. The radiation itself took only about ten minutes and was pain free for Brian. His main concern is that radiation can cause swelling. They told us if he has any headaches, to let them know because he will need the steroids again. He really doesn't want to go back on those steroids. They really made him feel terrible. But my HUGE worry is that brain swelling = seizures. I almost wish they would up his Keppra or put him back on the steroids just incase. Brian doesn't get auras with his seizures so he has no warning of when one is coming. This is a major cause of concern for me.

Emotionally, I feel like I have been in a high functioning rut. By that I mean that I can do just fine when I am busy. I like school, work is good, but when I get home I am just so exhausted and overwhelmed by melancholy. Not an outright "I need to cry" sadness, but just a pervasive heavy weight on my heart. It is, unfortunately an "I need to eat an entire half pan of blondies and save two for my breakfast" kind of sadness. I think Brian feels the same. He has been overwhelmed with stuff he feels like he needs to do around the house and with work and radiation and trying to fit sleep in, he needs to not worry about it. But there is a lot that needs to be constantly done and that stresses him out.

I try to stay positive a lot of the time because it is important to not get sucked into this cancer culture. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to wear it on my sleeve all the time and Brian doesn't want that either. But it is such a heavy burden and I do find myself struggling consistently with my attitude and thoughts. I read back through this blog and I was so full of hope in the beginning, and I still am. There is so much to be grateful for, but I am already tired of this new life. I am struggling with how to comprehend the changes and the implications. I know that God lives and loves us. I know that even in the midst of our darkest moments He is with us, but I wish I could feel it more. I think when I get in these ruts, I sort of tune out the Holy Spirit and I don't know how to tune back in. I have been struggling with that lately. I very much desire to recognize those small miracles that we are afforded every day, but some days I just don't see them.

I know this is in large part my own fault. Its too easy to fall into our "why me's" and forget the big picture. I have been having to live day by day, moment by moment, and its important to live in the moment, but its just as important to try to view life with an eternal perspective. This life is just a blip on the radar. We are lucky to have this time, any time.

****NERD ALERT****

 Brian and I are re-watching Lord of the Rings for the 687,413,874,231 time and this simple quote brought me to tears the other night. Frodo is lamenting that he has the ring. He says he wishes none of it had ever happened, to which Gandalf replies "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Brian loves that passage and he lives it. He is so good and wonderful. He does so much for so many people. Brian says I give him way to much credit, but he really does make me better. He makes me want to be the best person I can be. I want him to see me succeed and be proud of me.

I am going to try to be better at keeping the blog up. Please pray for a good radiation experience. Pray for no burns and no swelling. Pray that the cancer stays at bay as long as possible. And pray mostly for Brian's resilience. He wants to keep working and I think he can, he is just so tired.

Also I have to apologize for the tone of this message. It got a little low. I want this blog to be informational and positive, but I also want it to be genuine. I have tough days. I fake it at school and work, and I try to hide my worries from Brian since he really does not want to talk about cancer, but I do need to vent those worries sometimes. I am consistently trying to find ways to elevate my mood so that I can really enjoy our days. These are our easy, good days! The future is uncertain, but will surely be difficult. We need to soak up each healthy moment we have and do it with joy. I will get better at this.

Thanks for reading and praying. I am grateful for each of my family members and friends as always.

Love, Lindsey