Once again, I find myself neglecting this ever so therapeutic blog. I just finished classes for the semester so I have some time to breathe and I plan on posting a little more frequently. I really wanted to mention that through this blog, I am finding not only the healing that comes with being honest with yourself and letting some of those rough and tumble thoughts and fears come out, but I have also found so many very powerful and thought provoking fellow bloggers out in the blogosphere. I have been fortunate enough to connect with some very inspiring and powerful women and I am very grateful for that. And they are so fun to read! Which brings me to my topic today. Motherhood.
First I want to talk about what a great mother I am blessed to have. I know for me that I just didn't ever appreciate my mom like I do now that I am an adult. Our relationship has been through its ups and downs, through the tumultuous teenage angst, and the evolution from little girl Lindsey to adult Lindsey who makes her own decisions and some that Mom wouldn't have had me make. While we always loved each other, I am sure there were times when we didn't like or understand each other very much. But all that has changed. I see my mom now as not only my mother, but as a anchor of stability in our family, and as my dear friend. She is loving and kind and she sacrifices for me and my sister continuously. I wrote in her card this year, and I mean it with all my heart that we finally have the relationship I always dreamed we could have. I know there have been countless hours in the past few months where the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom. I wanted her advice and I needed her to listen. One of the most powerful realizations that I have had recently is that I most definitely NEED my mom. Now more than ever. And that is almost paradoxical to me because I am a well adjusted adult and I have started my own little family with Brian now. I knew of course that I would always love my mom, but I didn't anticipate really needing her this much. She always knows what to say to make me feel better and when she doesn't know what to say, she brings me a milk shake or treats me to frozen yogurt, even though I know she doesn't really like the yogurt, just the toppings. There is that sacrifice again ;) I can feel how much she loves me. I see the pain in her face when I come to her with a problem that she can't fix and I hope she can know that just listening to me and loving me unconditionally is enough. A mother's love is very special. No one in your life will love you like your mother and I am so very grateful for my mom.
My mom loves me in a unique and special way that only she will ever love me. I know that because even though I miscarried our first baby last year, I felt that overwhelming and profound love from the moment I realized I was pregnant. I loved that little baby so much from the first. I have always approached Mother's Day from the perspecive of Daughter, and since we got married in 2010, I have been very much looking forward to experiencing it from a Mother's perspective.
Women are revered in my church, and especially on Mother's Day. Usually they do something special for moms on Mother's Day like give them a flower. Last year, while they were passing out the flowers, they had given them to all of the mom's and then they asked all of the other women to stand up. It was just me and one of my friends who were left. She was still single at the time so I was the only married woman that wasn't a mom. We had only been trying for about eight months at that time, but I was really getting frustrated. I remember feeling so embarrassed to take a flower. I just felt so underserving because I wasn't a mom. I got out of the chapel as soon as possible and went to the bathroom and cried. I hated feeling so ungrateful, the flower wasn't meant to single me out as a non-mother, but to thank me for my service to the children in our church. I was serving as a Sunday school teacher for the eight and nine year olds at the time.
Last month, I read this article in a church magazine and it really spoke to my heart. Its talked about how we can seek "alternative opportunities for motherhood." Teaching children is one way, or volunteering to babysit, or supporting young people by attending sports events (sometimes Brian and I try to catch his cousin's ball games). Anyway, it helped me to realize that just because I haven't yet had the opportunity to raise children of my own, I am not childless. Heavenly Father has surrounded me with children and given me the opportunity to make a positive impact on their lives and I strive to do so.
This year Mother's Day was especially hard. When I got up to shower for church I was already planning my escape before the flower distribution, I just didn't want to be singled out again. I just kept thinking about how special the day would have been had I been about seven months pregnant like I should have been. When I got out of the shower, Brian had gotten up and there was a pink envelope on my bedside table. My eyes filled with tears as I carefully opened it up and read these words:
"I hope you won't be offended or upset by this card, but I chose it specifically because I do feel like we have been on a 'journey' of sorts. I know its hard to see where it will take us, but you are the one I always wanted to take it with. I love you tremendously Lindsey. ~ Brian
I did end up getting out of the chapel and setting up for my class early, but I really wasn't as sad as I thought I would be. I just felt so grateful and happy to be so deeply loved by my sweet Brian. We are so good for each other. I feel like even with the trials we are facing we are so lucky to be able to find joy in our life and in our companionship. Some days brain cancer feels like a serious threat to that companionship, but in spite of it all, I know we can face it as long as we are side by side.
Love, Lindsey
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